Guys used to be fathers. They’re now mothers. Guys once were husbands. Today they’re wives.
That boyish bob in long pants? He’s a her.
That creature flashing long hair? She’s he.
These days you can’t tell a he from a she without a score card.
Forget Victoria’s Secret. Try Victor’s secret. Slim trim him is into Spanx.
Next up? Fashionista prizefighters. When they put on gloves their shoes and purse will match.
Ladies are wearing men’s ties. Why? Who knows. Maybe because they can’t find necklaces since men are into gold chains. All so chic under a bobbling Adam’s apple. Or poking through a scraggly beard. Everything’s sprouting up on gents’ necks but Tahitian black pearls.
Listen, pearls go with anything. It’s just that itsy, short and graduated ones don’t work. Stylists say with a hairy chest bold opera-length 20 millimeter jobs look best.
The male sex has dumped Men’s Wearhouse for Judith Ripka. They’re flashing costly neck medallions and amulets which, of course, makes things easier for a golddigger ladyfriend. At one glance, she can decide if she’ll love a man for all he’s worth.
In the 20th century, ladies wore garter belts. In the 22nd, it’ll be jockstraps. In the 21st they’ve already adopted suspenders. Larry King’s gone but his braces are holding up ladies’ drawers.
Women are riveters. Men are nannies. Women are bus drivers. Men are nurses. Men wear aprons. Women wear dress shirts.
Mesdames are affecting fedoras. Not bonnets, beanies, berets, cloches, pillboxes or tea party sailor brims. Fedoras. Like Humphrey Bogart in “Casablanca.” Or baseball caps like sidewalk restaurateurs hustling pushcart hot dogs.
This season’s female style? Male vests. As in those three-piece suits lawyers wear to court. This, of course, is before their invariably “wrongfully accused” murderer client is hauled to jail and his wardrobe changes to a female-style orange jumpsuit.
Gents are affecting ornamental buckles on silk shoes. Gals are into rhinoceros-sized sneakers.
Another factor? The number of women who don’t wear bras and the number of men who do.
One day, jumping onto Melvin Masculine, a fair maid will say, “Let me be frank — and you can be Alice.”
Bracelets have turned monosexual. Earrings, diamond studs or gold hoops are bisexual. Used to be on one ear. Then both ears. It has since graduated to the lip, tongue, eyelid, nostril, navel and areas where if you can wax it you can max it.
That creature with the fancy belt buckles, cuff links and breast-pocket handkerchief? Her.
Womenswear’s getting masculine, menswear’s becoming feminine. Soon we’ll save a fortune by marrying someone our own size. Better still, a wife can just rummage in the husband’s closet.
He shapes his eyebrows. Mascaras those lashes. Colors his mustache. Dyes the beard. And the newest thing in women’s hairdos are men. Hairdresser Hell can style a man’s coif shoulder-length curly like Steven Tyler or fluff, puff, spray and tease it.
Or do Rogaine, brilliantine, add streaks, crayon gray edges, get extensions and transplants or, parted above the ear, flip the remaining pitiful three strands sideways over the head. Patrick Stewart thinks baldness is neat. Others go the Elton John–William Shatner toupee route.
Designers feature beautiful girl models in men’s striped suits and gorgeous gentleman models in sarong at-home skirts. Ladies get jeans and overalls. Men affect purses — shoulder bags, clutches, pretend briefcases. Colorful scarves.
Wedding rings, college rings, friendship rings and clunky chunky hunky rings are worn by clunky chunky hunky types. On thick fingers that get manicures.
He’s getting electrolysis. Facials. Babies. Shoes with heels. Decorative socks.
Women buy camel-hair coats. Men, fur coats. Even mink which once was thought of as a tranquilizer for wives. Women have men’s names — Michael, Sean, Toni, Bobbi, Kim, actress James King. A popular fragrance was Charlie. Men have women’s names — Francis, Jessie, Glenn, Shannon, Robin.
Women’s pantsuits come with a front fly. Men no longer dress like a page out of Esquire but out of Vogue. Tuxedo shirts feature frilly cuffs.
Women box. Women wrestle. Women dunk basketballs. Women play soccer. Men athletes wear bloomers. Women celebrities wear tuxedos.
Both sexes diet. Both sexes wear contact lenses. Both tweeze eyebrows, whiten teeth, have tummy tucks and Botox. Noses done, ears pierced. Butts lifted. Cheeks lasered.
And can we talk about that front-page story of a man getting pregnant?
This lady talked her fiancé into buying her a new dress — then he tried to talk her out of it. Today’s Adonis wants to undress a girl not to get the clothes off her but to get them on him.
One chick planned her wedding at a nudist colony, but the joke was on her. The future husband spent $5,000 on his body lift.