You got troubles? Oh, woe is you. Kindly consider the wrenching miseries of Robert Pattinson, young, handsome, slim, rich, hot star of “Twilight” and, during night-light, even Kristen Stewart. Agonizing over his looks, he is. Particularly the eyebrows. Semi-reliable testimony informs me that following this latest vampire screening he moaned: “I’ve got the world’s biggest eyebrows. Wish I could make them like Kristen’s.”
All together now, arrrrggghhh!
KIM Kardashian says she “is now more famous than Angelina Jolie.” Miss Jolie’s take upon hearing this once-upon-a-time fairy tale? She chuckled. How huge a chuckle can’t actually be confirmed. But she chuckled. Then added: “Anyway, Brad’s prettier than I am.” How this actually impacts KK’s comment, not sure. I only report what I hear.
BEGINNING around 1998 was TV’s “Dawson’s Creek” starring Michelle Williams as Jen Lindley, James Van Der Beek as Dawson Leery, Joshua Jackson as Pacey Witter and some nobody anybody heard of named Katie Holmes as Joey Potter. Well, now somebody’s heard of her, her ex-husband, the daughter, those headlines and Katie’s Broadway show.
Burbles about reprising this, like a reunion film, initially cropped up during marriage to Whatsisname. Reportedly controlling, he nixed it. Since the program has been off a long while, he felt it was wrong for her image — whatever that image is/was.
Speaking of “image,” he’s starring in best-selling mystery author Lee Child’s slash-and-crash story “Jack Reacher,” which bows Dec. 21. He plays an ex-military adrenaline-logged shloompy, unkempt hulking 6-foot-5 “compelling” hero bruiser. I read this book. Tom Cruise a 6-foot-5 hulking bruiser? I mean, please. On tiptoe, he barely reaches the top of my lacy drawers.
KNOW what a human being is Timothy Cardinal Dolan? Despite his professional schedule and personal holiday plans, His Eminence phoned certain friends — even outside his flock — dialed himself, called himself, to offer a Happy God Blessed Thanksgiving. May some of us think to remember His Eminence in our prayers.
IAN Lithgow, actor, is starring in the play “The Outgoing Tide” at 59E59 Theatre through Dec. 16. Son of John Lithgow, actor, also now starring in a play “The Magistrate” in London. He’s Harvard. Daddy’s Harvard.
Ian: “It’s a family drama. They’re retired, living on Chesapeake Bay. It’s set in early ’70s. The son receives a phone call. His father has Alzheimer’s, a word never used in the play. The son must return home. The father has a cleverly devised window of opportunity plan before his mind goes.
“We tried it out of town. My wife and two kids live in Philly, where she runs the Holocaust Memorial project. I return one day a week to see them. I’m lucky because a company there was auditioning. I loved the script and was in tears at the end. I figured we could do it, if we don’t screw it up.
“My parents are divorced. Back aways my father did theater all the time, and for me it was playtime. I soaked it all in and hung backstage with the crew, playing cards and ‘Scrabble.’
“My father and I ran lines together. I held the book for him. Unfortunately, he’s in England so he hasn’t seen this play.”
WITH our problems, let us remember our planet. Queen Isabella gave three ships to prove Columbus’ theory that the world was round. He was right. The world was round. It’s Isabella who was flat.
PIFFLE from across the pond. County Clare, Ireland, boasts Dromoland, the mother of all castles. This now five-star hotel, circa 1551, predates the Marriotts. Over six kilometers, 24-acre lake, four turrets, gazebo, horse stalls, walled gardens, Gothic porch. Home to earls, baronets, sirs and etceteras. To secure the area when elder President Bush stayed 16 hours took 7,000 police. I mean, you’re talking a serious castle.
Inside, 50 original portraits. Like Queen Anne on a staircase. So, needing a few bob, ancestral homeowner Conor O’Brien, the 18th Lord Inchiquin, just removed each of the priceless oils. Lifted all out to sell. Replaced with photographs. Her Majesty Queen Anne, 18th-century monarch of Great Britain, Photoshopped!
Wait. Unless you’re castle-logged, there’s Sir Winston Churchill’s birthplace Blenheim Palace. This World Heritage Site was buil
t 1705, just north of Oxford, for the First Duke of Marlborough. Today, 11 Your Graces later, comes James Blandford, 57, whose hard-drug history has been headlined. Now clean, eldest son Blandford — via the last Duke’s first wife — becomes heir apparent to this 187-room larger-than-Buckingham pile of limestone.
He should only not hock the joint’s suits of armor.
MY eyes fill with tears. Yesterday, as this went to press, my longtime forever devoted friend, Oscar-winning (“Chicago”), multi-award-winning — he won tons of Tonys — producer Marty Richards left our earthly stage. More on this towering Only in New York talent tomorrow.