Apologies to the rappers, ho-ho etc., etc. . . . We know Julius Caesar was done in by his pal Brutus. Not known is, the Roman Emperor’s last words: “You realize this means you’re out of the Christmas party.”
SKINNYskinnyskinny model Beverly Peele’s holiday diet tips: “You kidding? I eat everything. Lunch can be chicken stew, rice and beans. Dinner, buffalo wings.” All together now, let’s hate Beverly Peele.
And Chris Christie’s holiday diet tips: Seconds. Thirds. More. More. More. “More pork sausages, Mom.”
WHAT hotshots may get this year:
Obama. Boehner’s desk plaque saying “You’re no President Thomas Jefferson.”
Paula Broadwell. From Mrs. Petraeus: A black dress in which to mourn her future.
Biden. From Biden. 2,000 clones of himself. So his legacy(?) can live beyond his lifetime.
Mitt Romney. A department store visit so he can kick Santa with: “That’s for November.”
DSK: Rubber gloves, sex toys (battery included) and a color photo of the French president’s office.
WHAT hotshots got in previous Dec. 25s:
Aidan Quinn: “Connection with the 21st century. I’m using a quill pen. I needed a laptop. Everyone writes on computer. I hadn’t one. Don’t know how to work one, or buy one. With the millennium, it’s time I got with the times.”
Geoffrey Rush: “My family’s from Australia. Spending our first Christmas in New York, I showed them snow. We went upstate to friends who guaranteed big huge white drifts.”
Grammy-winning producer Jimmy Jam’s big party. Transformed his 40,000-square-foot Minneapolis home into a Yule wonderland. His personal lake became a skating rink with lights, stereo, snack stand. His forest of firs were all dressed as Christmas trees. That I wasn’t invited I wouldn’t even mention.
Celine Dion gave all female relatives her Chanel, Dior and Lauren outfits.
Tom Hanks, beginning with his first statuette in ’94, dresses up his Oscars in Father Christmas outfits.
Jay Leno sent Italian fruit baskets — figs, melons, grapes. Wife Mavis’ gift to him was a $90,000 brick oven so he needn’t order out anymore and can make his own favorite Napolitano pizza.
Billy Idol. A devil all year turns saintly. Always with family — even those in Florida.
Julian Lennon. “Paul McCartney never misses. Every year I get a card from him.”
Marilyn Manson: “I hate this holiday. I like to go around and replace Baby Jesus in those nativities with a boiled ham.”
Fellow weirdo Prince: “I don’t understand what Christmas means. Seems a ridiculous convention that everyone assumes.”
Larry Flynt’s daughter Tonya: “Dad used pornography to break down my childhood inhibitions. The card he sent me was Santa on a bed making love to a nude model. A $100 bill was inside. I cried so much about that card.”
Lionel Richie: “I decided to buy myself a Mercedes — or two. In blue jeans and T-shirt, I walked into a Montgomery, Ala., dealership and said: ‘I’ll buy seven Mercedes.’ Staring, the guy asked: ‘Son, you got some proof?’ I had him call LA’s Bank of America president. He hung up and segued from ‘Son’ to ‘Mr. Richie, right this way, please.’”
Carol Burnett gives Tony Bennett paintings.
Ron Howard: “My favorite was 20 years ago. I got a monkey cage. I already had the monkey. What a great gift.”
Rosie O’Donnell: “No repeat of when my son wouldn’t sit on Santa’s lap. Only on Batman’s. And my daughter fell on the kitchen floor hitting her gums hard and what our household really wanted for Christmas was her two front teeth.”
Meg Ryan once wanted a flagpole. Not sure I heard correctly, I asked her again. She repeated: “A flagpole.”
Greg Kinnear. A watch. “I have a used-up tired Swatch.”
Long ago when her wildlife was Johnny Depp, Kate Moss didn’t want a stuffed doll or orlon blouse. She wanted to visit the Antarctic tundra. To see scenery and wildlife other than Johnny Depp.
PEACE on Earth. Good will to men. And wives.
BROOKLYN Boro Prez Marty Markowitz’s card: “New hotels, business booming/Mazel Tov, our borough’s blooming/Islanders play Barclays one day/Brooklyn is a winter wonderland.” (Next stanza) “Have a blintz or Belgian waffle/Brooklyn restaurants are cookin’ good/From sushi, kielbasa, falafel — taste and never leave the hood.”
Santa must be working Canarsie.
FOR you wanting a swell new business concept like, maybe, a Doggie Bag Factory in Rwanda or that innovative sports franchise Nude Fencing or that nifty Trappist Monk Suntan Lotion idea — but only received stale cookies — to you I say . . .
This is a Christmas I will long remember. I charged everything.
Also: It’s better to give than receive. This way you don’t have to exchange anything.
Happy holiday, friends, See you again Wednesday.