Where did kindness, tenderness, politeness go?
Golden Globes. Gents in tuxes without ties. Ladies in expensive belts — hems slit up to the crotch, necklines down to the crotch. Parts hanging out that only a newborn should see. Niceness today is just a word in Webster.
At banks. You deposit your own money, they’ll still demand identification.
At hospitals. The O.R. surgeon tells the nurse: “I’ll take all calls.”
At one-year birthday parties, parents bronzed their baby’s shoes. Now it’s done with the kid’s feet still in them.
At marriage ceremonies. On his wedding night, the groom said they were seeing too much of one another.
At an amusement park’s Tunnel of Love, her date tells her to wait outside.
At the post office your junk mail arrives postage-due.
At the Chinese restaurant, open a fortune cookie and find a summons.
ENGLISH. What ever happened to English?
“How are you?” has become “Whassup?”
“Hello” transformed into “Yo.”
Attracting someone’s attention is no longer “Beg your pardon.” It’s “Hey!”
Say “Thank you,” a response is “No problem.”
There’s the all-encompassing word “awesome.” Everything’s “awesome.” To “My daughter just got a job,” nowadays’ answer is “awesome.”
Also “cool” and “hot,” both of which mean the same thing.
Instead of suggesting applause, it’s “Put your hands together.”
In the chic diner called Chez What? the Sylvester Stallone School of Speech is “Jeat?” The answer is, “No, Ju?”
Brings up the little gray mouse who frightened off a big bad cat by barking like a dog. Moral of the story: It’s very important to learn a second language.
REFINEMENT. Let’s talk television. Besides fatsos, sickos, weirdos and wackos, everything’s discussed. Prostate malfunction, bladder weakness, toilet tissue, bathroom habits, menstrual cramps, bad breath, body odor, hemorrhoids, erectile dysfunction, behinds colonoscopied, boobs reconstructed, sex problems, switching partners, doing drugs, vaginal jelly, waxing, electrolysis, fungus, dementia, diabetes, personality disorder, tiny bikinis, chunky bras.
Wait. There’s more.
You can speak about Depends, Viagra, dentures, trusses, jock itch, deodorant, athlete’s foot, condoms, tummy noises, constipation, peeing, not peeing, douching, cheating, impotence, ejaculation, lack of satisfaction, what happens in lavatory stalls, Bravo’s unreal Housefreaks, your G spots, dogs pooping, tampons, fake everything.
You can even talk about reaching a climax as long as you don’t reach for a smoke, salt, sugar or soda.
And ladling out psychoanalytical dribble there’s always an all-wise guru-ette “doctor” with long ironed platinum hair extending below the armpit.
So many diseases are getting discussed that one channel’s doing a new series next season. In the opening segment the audience dies.
VULGARITY. Penis is in the title of legit shows. Urine is in the title of legit shows. Vagina is in the title of legit shows. Nudity is the norm. The F-word, S-word, variety of C-words are as common as the theatergoer alongside you chewing gum.
Possibly I shouldn’t be writing these things because if you go to a public square, you’ll never see one statue erected to a critic.
NONETHELESS, I press on to bemoan etiquette, which has gone the way of garter belts.
Etiquette. Yawning with your mouth shut.
Even if your mother’s serving Cream of Imagination soup, you don’t make noise when downing it.
Should your husband be one who catches a Frisbee in his teeth, it’s still not enough to throw a cup at him until you take out the spoon.
Despite dining in joints that serve Chateau Lafitte Rothschild on tap, do not eat with your fingers and gesture with the fork.
No putting elbows on the table. Let alone iPads, iPods, cells, beepers or dragging a fax out of your handbag.
Knowing which finger to use when whistling for a cab. And, trust me, the cabbie knows which finger to use when he stiffs you.
NOBODY suggests reverting to the era of ankle-length skirts, elbow-length gloves and flowered hats — but a little niceness?
A young bus passenger might offer his seat to a pregnant lady instead of pretending he’s asleep.
And even if you’re reading “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Bloomingdale’s,” a shopper should hold the door for the person following.
I’m done. I consider this column awesome.