Colin Firth is coming to my toilet.
Because of his quickie in “Austenland,” opening Friday, life-size thick cardboard Colin mock-ups will decorate theaters. He’s 6-foot-1 1/2, 177 pounds, shoe size 12, statistics of other assorted parts — this I don’t know.
I wanted him. Management is sending him — or it — to me. Life-size cutout Colin Firth will stand in my john.
Keri Russell, the film’s gorgeous star, is delicious. “I look glamorous because someone did my makeup,” she grinned. “Truth? I live a simple life.
“Home’s Brooklyn with my husband who does construction. Our son’s 6, daughter’s a year and a half. I take them to school. I feed my cat Finn.
“I’m skinny because of my dad’s side of the family. He was a dancer. I’m a nerd who works out. Bikes. Shops for groceries and nobody stares, cares or bothers about me there — except a hardhat the other day who yelled, ‘Hey, you kick ass.’ ”
Star of FX’s series “The Americans,” her eyelashes reached Coney Island. She wore Saint Laurent rhinestone studded ($1500-ish) stilts. She did “Austenland” two years ago “while I was pregnant. We lived on the Getty estate south of Oxford, 45 minutes west of London, with pheasants running around.”
Simple unglamorous size zero nerd. Right.
She only didn’t have Colin Firth. Me, I have him.
Justin goes Lilo
Will Justin the Boober’s mother please come forward? Your kid’s going to win the Dina and Lindsay Lohan Runner-up Award. Whatthehell’s the matter with you?!
Keeping up with James
James Francoplus beautiful female decorating Theater Row’s back row preview of new play “I Forgive You, Ronald Reagan” about ’81’s airline strike and an affected Riverhead, LI, family . . . 1940s movie star James Mason’s openly gay, handsome, age 21 grandson — also James Mason — plays a closeted gay actor in a blackmail deal. Film noir thriller “Disappear Here” appears here 2014.
Invite only
Campbell’s memorial service Sept. 12 for Chock Full O’Nuts jingle lady Page Morton Black is Invitation Only . . . Remember blond, beautiful, outed ex-CIA operative Valerie Plame? She’s back. Oct. 1, with suspense writer Sarah Lovett, comes “Blowback,” their international thriller series’ first installment. Blue Rider Press.
Ole West Virginny
Music producer/writer James Fragale, who’s written about his native West Virginia, now writes about his West Virginia banker/brother in the Huffington Post’s funny “Old! We Hate Old!” . . . Patsy’s Italian restaurant remembers their Eydie Gorme dinner. She said: “Two martinis, I’m under the table. Three, I’m under the host.” Frank Sinatra threw a meatball at her.
Fall books
Come October comes Mark Bego and Debby Campbell’s “Burning Bridges: Life with My Father Glen Campbell.” Omnibus Press . . . Lest you woke today pondering John Grisham’s whereabouts, allow me to inform you he’s visiting his newly built Amelia Island beach home off Florida’s Fernandina Beach . . . Esai Morales is in Bulgaria. He’s running for SAG president but also filming “Recon,” a war movie.
Baldwin bun
The Alec Baldwin almost baby’s still unnamed. The wife says: “We’re kicking it around. We want a name reflecting America as well as my family from Spain.” . . . 2009 Cate Blanchett did “A Streetcar Named Desire” at BAM. She’s so brilliantly great in “Blue Jasmine,” Woody Allen’s “Streetcar” takeoff, that the money is she nails Best Actress Oscar.
Reader Vito Giallo on an Atlantic Avenue dress shop in Boerum Hill whose sign read: “New dresses in. Guaranteed to get you knocked up!”
Only in New York, kids, only in New York.