Life can be taxing.
Once, no taxation without representation. Now, no representation without taxation.
Our pols who don’t know their colonoscopy from a hole in the ground can peer into the galaxy. Can speak to Albanian counterparts on Skype. They just can’t fix Breezy Point. Or Benghazi. Gun control. Economy. Wall Street. Unemployment. Hunger. Guantanamo. Poverty. Housing bust. Immigration reform.
Climate change. Syria. Korea. Egypt. Health care. The Snowden mess. Second Avenue subway mess. US debt. Medicare. Social Security. Retirement. Spitzer’s hunger. Weiner’s banger.
Our pros fight problems like the Mafia fights crime. They never know what urgent problems they won’t do anything about. They know only more taxes.
Take airlines. Extra legroom? An extra $45. Stewardess? No, no, a thousand times no. Today they’re “flight attendants.” But they don’t attend food. Freebie old stale snacks are for sale. International, Rolaids come with dinner.
And fie on amenities. Oxygen mask? Shove a quarter in the slot. Breathing’s still labored? Slide in a credit card. The air’s best with Visa.
Special seating? A fee. Early seating? A fee. Call to speak to an actual human ticket agent? A fee. Luggage over a certain weight is now taxed. Soon seat belts will come with a measuring tape, and they’ll weigh in on a passenger’s weight.
The bereavement fare. Discount if you had to go to a funeral. For a bar mitzvah, no more discount.
Hotels. Late cancelation for a reservation? You get soaked. Airport shuttle? Not on the arm. Creeping in and cropping up: Camouflaged service charges which theoretically negate tipping housekeepers, doormen, bellhops. Lotsa luck. Hit that same hotel a second time and see your unservice.
Check in early, check out late? Surcharge. Internet? Surcharge. Safe-deposit box in your room? Surcharge. Spa or beach towel you walk away with? Surcharge. Storing bags temporarily after you check out? About as free as Spitzer’s old hooker.
May this industry’s international executives someday get honored by a testimonial probe.
Showbiz. Once, if mommies heard a bad word they’d fine kiddies a penny in a piggy bank. Today, where a show’s only clean word is “Mormon,” theatrical piggys instituted an upkeep facility charge. What that means, who knows? Wash your hands, it’s one price. Pee, it’s another.
Citi Bikes. Citibank donates them and yet your bikathon comes with a fee. So that bread goes where? To Janette Sicko-Khan’s shrink?
Taxis. It’s an additional drop on the meter depending what time you hail that cab. Soon cars will cost less than cab rides. That is, until our senators use their limo phones to vote for gas rationing.
Hidden wedding costs. Buying, engraving, designing those invites, fine. But did your mother-in-law, who’s footing the bill, figure the postage? How about last-minute wedding gowns altered and steamed. You got fat? Rebuilding a bodice or replacing zippers? The price zooms higher than a nose job.
And if the event runs longer than expected? Lotsa luck. Photographers charge by the hour. You blocked hotel rooms? You considered the welcome-bag delivery fees? The storage fees?
Rental transport. Those 100 extra chairs aren’t arriving by oxcart. Another thing. Who cares if it’s a lousy babka, use the in-house cake. Outside bakers hoist the expense. More work for the staff. They’re responsible for slicing, serving each piece then cleaning up.
Banks. ATMs. All that moola. They charge you. Also, you need a minimum checking account balance or they nail you. Also, you need to pay money to get your own money.
Credit card fees fees fees. Application fees. Processing fees. Late payment fees. Transaction fees. Lost fees. Checking your credit line fees. Overdraft fees. Transfer fees.
Elbowing to use the same mayoral chamber pot is our Ringling Brothers circus pawing for office. Some, who’ll wind up in the Tomb of the Unknown Amateur, grunt no more taxes. Others: We need more taxes to help the poor, unhelp the rich, help the helpless MTA.
Greece broke? Spain flat on its frittata. France in a hole. We should give Europe credit because they can’t get along without it? How about us? The US. New York. Highest standard of living in the world. We just can’t afford it.
Our beloved country may have young blood, but it’s in old containers. Geezers monitoring our issues have reached the age where they put tenderizer in Cream of Wheat. They’re too nervous about what’s Out There to see what’s Back Here.
Please. We don’t need more taxation.