Valentine’s Day. It’s partying, hunting, meeting, dating, romancing, affiancing, loving, marrying, parenting, arguing, separating, divorcing. Then, again, partying, hunting, meeting, etc.
Not that it’s not all wonderful. It’s wonderful. Sex is also wonderful. Also wonderful is a prenup.
So it’s Valentine’s Day. Celebrate. Take a lawyer to lunch.
Roses are red, violets are blue, your alimony’s overdue . . .”
Brad Pitt’s nickname for past wife Jennifer Aniston was “Golden.” They’re kaput.
Britney Spears’ pet name for former love Justin Timberlake? “Stinky.”
Rebecca Romijn’s hubby-ago called her “Rebecca Remain Silent” because, said John Stamos, she jabbers. No wonder they’re kaput.
In 2005, I reported Marc Anthony’s arm held whatever of Jennifer Lopez could fit into it as he even accompanied her to the bathroom. Also kaput.
Important today is your temporary beloved’s present. If not from your heart, maybe it’s for another of your other various parts.
Consider it an investment.
Give her candy. Watch her face break out. Naomi Campbell craves chocolate. Sharon Stone bakes brownies. Ricki Lake: “Pecan pie. If I don’t restrain myself I could be 500 pounds.” Note to Prince Philip: The missus, Queen Elizabeth, gets it on with mint chocolate ice cream.
But there’s Tyra Banks, aflame with passion: “Being single doesn’t suck at all. At least you haven’t to eat those candies some guy gives you, pretending to like them.”
I once heard Prince Charles railed against something I never heard of called chocolate flavored carrots. Why? Who knows. Maybe he thinks it’ll mess the hell out of rabbits.
And there’s Alicia Silverstone’s: “European chocolates are better than sex.” This at least I can understand.
If you’re not into confections, spring for a meal. Downtown’s Hotel Chantelle does Cupid’s Brunch. Ready? It starts with banana french toast.
Like the taste of sweets? Serendipity offers a tub-for-two of Frrrozen hot chocolate. Or Hammacher Schlemmer’s pushing the Truck Driver’s Pressure Relieving Cushion. If you don’t know her blouse size, take a shot on measuring her behind.
Top gift choices for a cheapo are flowers, sweets, cologne, spa treatment. Unless there’s a street fair, forget the jewelry.
Drew Barrymore calls her favorite treat mac and cheese. Heather Graham — popcorn. Nicolas Cage? Popsicles and KFC. Jim Carrey overdoses on peanut butter sandwiches with ketchup.
Sandra Bullock, before “Gravity” spun her out of Valentine’s orbit into Planet Oscar: “Women are like ovens. They need 15 minutes to heat up,” and, “I can’t imagine a lesbian lover because I like what a man comes equipped with.”
What got Antonio Banderas was “Melanie Griffith’s giggle. I’d hear her laugh, and it made me smile. She even giggled when I proposed.”
Cuba Gooding: “When I met my wife-to-be, I complimented her biceps, then I hit her. She hit me back. She’s the strongest woman I ever met.”
Ahhh, but there exists true love. Pacino has twins. Just no wedding. Jodie Foster has children. Just no partner. Melissa Etheridge has kiddies. Just no gal. Newt Gingrich. Yet another wife — just no loyalty.
Mike Myers met no-longer-wife Robin at a hockey game. Saved her getting hit by a puck — just so he could hit her with divorce.
Pamela Anderson: “Tommy Lee came up, licked my face and I gave him my phone number.” And later separation papers.
If the mood strikes, send a Valentine card to Tom and Katie. Bruce and Demi. Alec and Kim. Meg and Dennis. Former Vice President Gore and Mrs. Gore. Roseanne and anybody. Madonna and everybody. Ron Perelman and Faith and Claudia and Patricia and Ellen and the current incumbent.
Maybe a note to John Edwards and Occupant. Anthony Weiner and To Whom It May Concern. Sean Puffy Diddy Combs and Whoever. Or you could drop a line to the Rev. Jesse Jackson & Co.
Hey, love never leaves us where it finds us. Monica Lewinsky has her handbags, Jane Fonda has her memories, George Clooney’s chorus line has his Rolodex, George Soros’ ex-girlfriend has her deposition.
As the philanderer told the woman he was dumping: “If you really loved me you’d have married somebody else.”
Said Seymour Nostredamus: A wife lasts only as long as a marriage — but an ex is forever.