July Fourth. The day America was born. Cookouts, ants, parades, balloons, picnics, fireworks, warm potato salad, overdone barbecued chickens. Enough already. Besides sun, tan and a fight with your in-laws, go someplace. Try Nashville. It has more biggies than Dolly Parton has wiggies.
Like Carrie Underwood shops and schleps at Publix grocery. Kid Rock’s found at assorted gentleman’s clubs. Justin Timberlake? A regular in Bread & Company. What that is, I don’t know. What it serves, I don’t know. That he goes there, I know. Tim McGraw and Faith Hill patronize nearby AMC moviehouse — and shop at Main Street’s Iron Gate.
Garth Brooks hits Sonic Drive-In. Kenny Chesney hangs that omnipresent 50-gallon hat — which probably remained even on his wedding night with Renée Zellweger — at P.F. Chang’s. Nicole Kidman? Check Starbucks at 5 Points in Franklin. Saturday mornings Keith Urban squeezes bananas at a farmers market.
Hangouts are weekend nights at Lot 7, and Sunset Grill at lunch. July Fourth the Music City goes patriotic country-style. Riverfront Park does eats, live music and rockets bursting in air.
Do the Southwest. Typical Americana. I don’t suggest you rush to Albuquerque. I don’t suggest anyone rush to Albuquerque because even Neil Patrick Harris, Janet Napolitano, Minka Kelly, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos and Demi Lovato, who came from there, got out. Ditto reputed crystal meth manufacturer Walter White. The town releases an eagle. Remember “Send in the Clowns”? Well, they don’t but they send up balloons. Listen, I’m just trying to help you rather than let you sit in East River Drive traffic Friday.
Where to go
Visit Flagstaff, Ariz. So small the entire fire department is a senior citizen wearing Depends. It also has 100 floats — and now you get why.
How about Roswell? Besides a carnival, their rah-rah lasts to July 7 with a planetarium thing, costume contest and a UFO festival. Even if you don’t go, guests from Mars, Saturn and Pluto do. Beats your boring uncle and aunt flunking a hot-dog contest.
Santa Fe? Pancakes on the Plaza, vintage cars, an arts-and-crafts thing and, following the barbecue, sunshine and fresh fruit, they show “Jaws.”
July Fourth. The only intelligent thing is to sponge off someone with a country house. Sail on a rich man’s yacht. Buy your little ones playthings — such as the new Anthony Weiner pull toy. Do things you haven’t enjoyed. Try sex.
How celebs celebrate
Last year Katy Perry’s stars and stripes bikini had only enough fabric for the 13 original colonies. Reese Witherspoon did Malibu. In polka dots for some reason. Paris Hilton had a party. Like, what else does she do? Model Amber Valletta huffed and puffed with a 5K run. John Mayer did a concert in Philly, where I went once and it was closed. Christina Aguilera walked the beach, drink in hand. Zac Efron shirtless in St. Tropez. Jessica Alba, Cash Warren and daughters hit the stores. One year Candice Swanepoel motorcycled around Miami. Ben Affleck and family watched a Pacific Palisades parade. Amy Poehler hit the movies altogether. And once Matilda Cuomo said what she’s doing. “Baby-sitting.”
Some will spend it in New York
Enjoy this city. Walk our streets. See the hot jewelry peddled on street corners. A watch comes with a guy’s wrist still in it. Check out NYC attitude. Places outside are polite. Like maybe Terre Haute. Why? Nothing else to do. Ask how they feel, and the answer takes till Columbus Day. In Terre Haute, dying from shootings — no. Boredom — yes.
OK, so some of our public schools come equipped with a teacher, principal, monitor and a coroner. OK, so some of our neighborhoods are a little not clean. So what? Put the street signs up in braille.
The whole week’s historic. The phrase — “so hot outside you could fry an egg?” Oatman, Ariz. — and who ever even heard of this town — actually does that. July 11? Freeloaders, get ready. It’s Slurpee Day. 7-Eleven stores traditionally hand them out free.
Friday’s the Fourth of July. Our national holiday. The day America was born. Let’s hear it for our great country.