Forget Ryan Lochte in the pool. He moves smooth on the ground, too. As you may have heard, at midnight a few nights ago at gin mill STK, the guy flirted openly with Olivia Culpo, Miss USA. She denies anything is going on, but they were not just treading water. Like, specializing in breast strokes and the crawl. Not sitting quietly in a booth. Like competing for more medals right on the banquette.
What you haven’t heard is how much he’s into his RL initials. Either he wanted to show that Olympic gold behind or he looked to flash his Ralph Lauren label underdrawers. Ryan’s tight black jeans hung real low.
BEING we’re on gents who are sport hotshots, being I’m an equal opportunity kvetch, a few days ago Derek Jeter left his building’s elevator carrying something in each hand. The right one clutched a small suitcase. The left one, a small blonde. Both appeared gift-wrapped.
SUSAN LUCCI is now on Investigation Discovery Channel’s new Saturday night show “Deadly Affairs.” We all love Susan. I asked her reaction when ABC suddenly axed her longtime daytime soap.
“Very sad. Disbelief, anger, tears, all of that. Hard even now for me to say ‘All My Children’ in the past tense. It was a dreadful mourning period. I was incredulous. Took a year to get over it. Understand, I played Erica Kane 41 years. I started on the program’s 10th day.
“Soaps served a purpose for millions of multigenerational passionate fans. Every day someone tells me they miss it. One man said: ‘Cotton is not the fabric of our lives. In our house it was ‘All My Children.’ It was a constant for his wife, who he knew always watched. Back from Afghanistan, the show was their conversation starter.
“I’m still not sure why it stopped. I had no heads up when it was going off. I learned when everybody found out, and there wasn’t even time to collect mementos. I only managed to get a red and white T-shirt that read ‘Free Erica Kane from jail.’
“Now I’m still an early riser, only not 4:30 a.m. anymore without an alarm clock. Now it’s more shopping, enjoying family, seeing a movie.”
And shooting 10 episodes of this new show all summer all around New York. Also, Marc Cherry, who created “Desperate Housewives” shot a new series pilot. It’s about Latina maids in LA households. Susan is one of the Beverly Hills ladies.
CRIES from a Democrat: “The far right considers compromise a dirty word. Their dysfunctional anti-government strategy should know if the president fails the whole country fails. They’re way past where the party used to be. They’re more afraid of breaking their vows to the right-wingers than I’m afraid of breaking my vows to my wife.”
OCT. 2 brings HarperCollins’ “Mick Jagger.” Besides the drugs, parties, fights, prison, this one calls him “supreme extrovert . . . supreme egotist . . . supreme achiever” . . . Relating his sexuality, it recalls his black London schoolgirl first love. Relating his zeal to accomplish, tells of consorting with England’s top gangsters. If you haven’t already OD’d on him, it’s a fair read.
KANYE’s not only tarting up Miss Kardashian, he now makes certain his entire entourage suits up proper. It’s like Puffy Daddy Sean P. Diddy Combs, who makes his man carry the umbrella over him . . . Vanessa Paradis, ex-longtime Johnny Depp love: “Hard to see others making a business out of your pain.”. . . Seeing a redhead, Jean Paul Gaultier thought it was Ginger Spice. Not. It was an unthrilled Fergie, Duchess of York.
OZZY Osbourne loves cottage cheese . . . Natalie Portman’s been a vegetarian since age 8 . . . A giant 6-foot black bear, standing on hind legs, tried opening the doorknob of Judge Judy’s locked Jackson Hole house. She photographed him through the window . . . Joan Rivers to do a show on the Internet . . . A Verizon truck’s at 58th and Park Avenue’s west side. For months. And months. Not going away. Anyone know why it remains clogging traffic on a street leading to the bridge?
AN old Britney Spears quote I just came across: “I’m considering a role in a musical. But really I’d rather start out somewhere small. Like London or England.”
HAPPY Rosh Hashanah (New Year) to those who observed. Happy just in general to those who did not.
TO celebrate new year happiness this garmento gave a staffer money with instructions: “Buy me a bottle of high-class Piper- Heidsieck Champagne, plus a cigarette, which I know the mayor doesn’t want me to smoke, and with the money that’s left, find me a tall gorgeous blonde.” Back later carrying one small bag, the kid said he couldn’t find a tall gorgeous blonde. Sighed the garmento: “In that case, cancel the order. Bring me a prune Danish.”
SO in a West Side building with some tenants we might know lives a judge who parks in front of a hydrant. The doorman knows he parks for hours. The car never gets a ticket.
Only in New York, kids, only in New York.