Kiddies, we’ve become losers. We’re losing everything. In my case, not weight — but money, patience, hair and, mostly, privileges.
No longer allowed salt. Sugar is outlawed. Smoking’s second to cheating on taxes. Sodas, forget. Sounds — horn-honking, boombox blaring — could get you three-to-five. Spitting? A no-no. But who recalls when any creature actually spit in public? Happened to me only once. With a cranky camel in the Sahara.
No longer may children become so heavy that if they run away they have to take the truck route.
It’s artificial sweetener, fake butter, soy milk, powdered cream, pretend salt, look-alike fur, cheap pleather, faux whipped cream. A world of fee fie faux fum.
Everything’s verboten. Shake hands, you’ll contract hoof-and-mouth disease. Touch doors, railings, gates, handles at your own risk. A public john? Bring Purell. Soak your hands. Sanitize your nails. Throw antiseptic on your cuticles. Kick doors shut with your foot. The Surgeon General will next command us to pee wearing oven mitts.
Plastic bags are today’s dread. Soon we’ll schlep groceries in a Louis Vuitton clutch. String beans, OK, but when it comes to sweet potatoes and Fido’s dogfood you’ll need a Chanel tote.
Meat’s bad. Fish, mercury. Coffee, unhealthy. Cheese, fattening. Spinach, unclean. Tuna needs p.r. Canned soup, too much sodium. Pastrami, too many calories. Chicken, too little regulation. Eggs, eat only the white part. Salad, wash thoroughly. Rice should be brown. Pasta should be wheat. White bread’s gone poop like Romney. Fried foods, oh please. Junk foods, oh please. Cakes, cookies, crullers — nein! Ketchup, mustard, chili sauce? Think oatmeal.
Junky burgers will soon come on an asbestos bun. Go for grief counseling before your server serves in a paper hat, hairnet and decontamination suit. Switch to vegetarian. Fiber from granola, sprouts, raw carrots, broccoli, wheat germ, bran, oats, tofu. Second helpings, and you double as wicker furniture.
At dinnertime, watch a reality show. It’ll be more than you can swallow.
I’m told a new European restaurant may open here. English greet you, French cook for you, Italians entertain you, Germans do the accounting. The place will be called Chez What?
And separate trash. Do not — not — n-o-ttt! — stack cans with bottles with cardboards with newspapers with yogurt containers with magazines with toilet rolls. Bundling discards together — not placing them gift-wrapped in separate blue or red bins is a felony. Question: What do they do to trailer-park people? Cancel their MetroCards? Force march them against the light?
Mattresses should be foam, or you get a bad back. Pillows should be rubber, or you get a crick in the neck. Area rugs? You slip. Marble floors? You slide. Grab bars in the shower, or you fall. Remove dust, lead, mold, also the partner you just met who’s sharing your sheets and maybe carrying everything but money to pay for dinner.
Use a condom. Do not use narcotics. Alcohol damages brain cells (mostly if the wine’s cheap.) No drugs, no chemicals, no sleep additives. No knuckle cracking, no nail-biting — looks lousy if you’re into big rings.
Humidifier so your atmosphere’s filtered. Dishwasher so your utensils are clean. Solar power so your air’s pure. Electric cars so you don’t need a bank loan for a gallon of gas. Brush hair. Brush clothes. Brush teeth — don’t just wait until your dentist leaves the office and sends in a canary. Everything’s bad. Bad sex, however, is still good.
Watch razor-type scooters. Hazardous if you’re texting at the time. Examine signs. No sipping from a can when the top says, “To open, pick up tab.” Note travel advisories. Be careful should a New Zealand sheep give you the eye.
Flying once was luxurious. Now a Boeing’s got training wheels and the stewardess speaks to you only to say: “Lock your seat belt, shut your mouth, and the lavatory’s broken.”
Loss of privacy. Cameras everywhere. Cellphones track wherever you are. Pedometers check the distance you walk. Speedometers click how fast you drive. Computers know whatever you do. E-mails record whatever you say. E-ZPass reports wherever you drive. Credit cards list whatever you buy. Pesty neighbors know whatever you do.
Can’t talk bad about anyone. Can’t write bad about anyone. Can’t think bad about anyone. Can’t differentiate in terms of race, religion, color, age, sex, height, weight, status, salary or IQ. Some dumb stupid ignorant nincompoop jerk whose greatest achievement is opening an Edsel dealership in Silicon Valley is simply cranially impaired.
The war has switched from the Middle East to coffee shop Styrofoam cups. Environmentalists say bike lanes, which mow down pedestrians are OK — if the helmetless biker, whose handlebar bell is broken, who’s speeding one-way the wrong way, was not sipping from a Styrofoam cup.
It’s metal detectors and pat-downs. Once the country of four freedoms, America’s surplus today consists of wheat, cotton and rejection.