WITH all our troubles — America’s difficulties, climate’s miseries, financial insecurities, Kim Kardashian’s ex Humph-ries — it is time to give gratitude. Deep appreciation. Fervent thanks.
I speak not of the trivial. Not of a recently adjusted mortgage. Not of any mother-in-law who moved to another state. Not for health, wealth or — for cheaters — stealth. Not even for a husband who puts the seat down. I’m talking of that which is vital to our lives. Without which civilization can no longer exist.
I’m talking a GPS. The yenta whose voice tells you where to go. Such a know-it-all that I want to tell her where to go. Previously I drove a religious deduction because I had to pray I’d reach my destination. Now, with cars expensive and me personally paying off two — my dentist’s and my plumber’s — I at least know she’ll get me where I’m going. To the bank for a loan.
Since this country believes in free speech, especially important is a car phone. Urgent. A necessity. Like suppose you’re making out in the back seat. Like suppose your gear shift won’t work. Like suddenly you need an emergency call to Dr. Ruth.
Fakes. Everything’s fee-fie-faux. Bras and wires and padding to puff you out plus girdles and Spanx and control pants to shove you back in. Fake flowers. Fake lawns. Fake blondes. Fake butter. Fake cream. Fake salt. Fake sugar. False boobs. False nails. False hair. False eyelashes. False teeth. False designer goods. Paste-on beards. Simulated wood. Pretend bagels. Third-generation cheapo copies of knockoff punk junk. So much illegitimacy that the stuff should be stamped “Made in Albany.”
Modern miracle drugs. Gone are quack surgeons who’d take out your appendix even if you didn’t have one. Medical science has progressed. Today, no matter what the illness, even if someone’s not a caddie on the golf course, they’ll be able to find some doctor who can keep you alive long enough to pay your bill.
A study has determined more money spent on implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer’s research. By Year 2050, masses of people will wander the streets with large breasts and big urges — but they won’t remember what to do with them.
No-fault divorce. Assuming you’re so unhappy that the highlight of your marriage was the blood test. Previously, the split took years of legal fights. Acrimony and alimony. No more. Now it’s quick. Now you just stand before a judge, raise your right hand and state: “Your Honor, if she really loved me, she would have married somebody else.”
Computers. Husbands love them. There’s nothing else that will do exactly what they tell it to. Everyone’s dependent on their machines. Last week mine broke down, and I had to think all day. To err is human; to really screw up, you need a computer. What I want to know is, if I goof why am I an idiot — but if my PC makes a mistake it’s a malfunction?
In terms of techie stuff, I’m not really swift. I put blank paper into my fax and programmed it to make copies.
Diets. There are diet chefs. Diet books. Diet foods. Diet deliveries. If you stand on a corner and people shove mail in your mouth, somebody has a regimen for you. Non-fattening products, slimming drinks, low-cal cookies, no-cal soda. Do like Calista Flockhart. Blow out the candles on your birthday cupcake.
The Stone Age, Bronze Age, Iron Age, Ice Age, Jet Age, Middle Age, even teen ages all developed goodies. Our DVR Age has contact lenses, microwaves, gel manicures, Krazy Glue, teeth whitening, mini 15-minute lunchtime face-lifts, even dishwashers with repairmen hiding in the Witness Protection Program. We have paper dishes, robots to clean floors, VCRs to record “The Real Housewives of Wichita.” We have “60 Minutes” — but then they also had that in The Stone Age, Bronze Age, Iron Age, Ice Age, Jet Age, Middle Age. Attila the Hun was a devotee.
We have hearing aids, the Second Avenue (we should live so long) Subway, lap band operations, nose jobs, ear jobs, chin jobs, boob jobs, hair straighteners, DNA, chocolate egg creams, Band-Aids, instant coffee, scotch tape, Purell, apartments that go for $95 million and the Tonys.
God Bless America.