My opinion? Every living creature has an opinion.
Even small brains and big mouths are telling us what to do.
Republicans tell us what to do. Democrats tell us what to do to Republicans. Libertarians tell whoever’ll listen what to do.
Michelle tells Obama what to do.
A newborn infant, fresh out of mama’s suitcase, is screaming. Already telling her what to do.
Skinnies: No fried, no salt, no sugar, no flour, no grease, no fat.
Fatties: Eat franks, fingers, burgers, beans, nuggets, nachos, pizzas, pastas.
Cabdrivers tell us what we can do with ourselves. Lovers tell us how we can do it with others.
My dogs bark. They want to go in the kitchen. My housekeeper barks back. They have to go outdoors.
My dressmaker complains I’m getting cheap. My accountant warns I’m spending too much.
Doctors order bed rest. Gymnasts order exercise.
Airplanes announce delays. MetroNorth suggests a bus.
Dermatologists prescribe creams. Clinicians prescribe astringents to get rid of the cream.
Technicians explain how to connect your TV, computer, iPad, iPhone, beeper. Electricians explain you haven’t enough power.
Kardashian, pip or poop? Kanye, jock or jerk?
Fashion, shlock or chic?
Right to Privacy vs. Big Brother.
Manolos, high-heel sandals. Nikes, low-rent sneakers.
The Groundhog predicts six more weeks of snowy winter. The Mayor drops him.
Leno says “Bye.” Fallon says, “Hi.”
Crave mayo? Try yogurt.
Businessmen tell us we must invest; accountants tell us we must divest.
New Jersey’s Gov. Chunky says, “Who me?” Thinner people say, “Yeah, you.”
The mayor says, “Up the taxes.”
The governor says, “Up yours.”
Get rid of carriage horses. Keep carriage horses.
Get money for college. Shove going to college.
Work more. Vacation more.
Go see “The Wolf of Wall Street.” Stop cursing.
Make more friends. Beware who you talk to.
Don’t jaywalk. Hurry up, we’re late.
Financiers give us the finger. Investors take the whole hand.
Help pre-K kids get a start. Help older kids get a job.
Woody. Or would he?
Biden — a player or a loser.
Hillary — a loser or a player.
Catholics tell you what to do, Jews tell you what to do, Hindus tell you what to do, Buddhists tell you what to do, Islamists tell you what to do, Adventists tell you what to do, nudists tell you how to do it.
Conservatives tell us Nancy Pelosi’s not great. She’s Pelosi.
Suburbs? No burbs.
East Coast vs. West Coast.
Hummer? Honda.
Judi Dench for the Oscar. Cate Blanchett for the Oscar.
Good evening? Yo, bro.
Yesterday — penmanship.
Today — Internet.
Expats vs. patriots who wouldn’t live further outside this country than Newark.
Two years ago, building Second Avenue subway. Twenty years hence, building Second Avenue subway.
Rich man, poor man, beggarman, Madoff . . .
Pets not allowed — roaches, yes.
Even The Bible tells us: “Honor thy father and thy mother.” Yeah? Well . . . which?
A final thought about everyone telling everyone what to do — will someone please tell a pirate what to wear on Halloween?
A final question about everyone telling everyone what to do: A man, alone in the forest, makes a statement without his wife being there. Is he still wrong?
Hey, Jack Sprat would eat no fat. His wife would eat no lean. So maybe it’s always been like that.