SHANGHAI. — Happy New Year. Psychics predict 2014 will be a very good year. So far they’re right. I, who arrived in China before Kublai Khan, can now say whatever’s Mandarin for mazel tov! United finally found my luggage.
I understand why it took about a week. My friends Andrew and Daniel, who also flew “The Friendly Skies” to Turks and Caicos — which Rand McNally can verify is not the same direction as China — are a reason United couldn’t locate my long lost suitcases. Why? Because the airline was busy looking for Daniel’s bag which they also mislaid.
You’re told Shanghai weather is temperate. Wrong. It’s freezing here. Somewhere around 30 degrees. Now that I have wardrobe and sweaters to go outside my hotel, I note how capitalistic is this communistic nation. And with the government’s tax, wildly expensive. And, per last year’s statistics, nearly 100 million still in poverty.
More Porsches sold here than anywhere. Busiest store? Starbucks. Biggest store? Apple. Tallest store? Prada. Most stores? Cartier.
The historically preserved, sentry-patrolled site of the actual headquarters of where the Communist party began is a spit from one of this city’s multiple Chanels, Valentinos and Dolce & Gabbanas. Also near Badgely Mishka, close to a Haagen Dazs, almost adjoining Gap, Coach, Miu Miu, Zara and Lenscrafters. Also two minutes from Rolex and our planet’s largest Vuitton.
The place is USA-logged. Take-out breakfast includes bagels. A just opened deli does pastrami. Trust me, Katz’s it’s not. Along main drag Hengshan Road a local’s wearing a NY Yankee cap. A tea house advertises a Clinton and Hillary photo shovelling in their dumplings. The local newspaper prints the story of Silda dumping Elliot. And, taking a shot from our Russian Tea Room, a joint on Yan’an Road serves hot borscht.
An address listed as “8 Park Avenue” guarantees nice little apartments. At the exchange rate of 6RMB to a dollar, one’s yours for 19,000RMB a month.
But whereas Washington, DC’s sinkhole is shutting down, here things are different. With its economy slowing, the government announced “cutting down on lavish funerals.”
Meanwhile, they’re positioning to control US communities. Golden Bridge Copper’s building a Thomasville, Ala., $100 mil plant. Guizhou Guochuang’s mining coal in Jacksboro, Tenn. They own our pork. Also most of our movie ticket sales.
Hunan’s Aizhai is the globe’s longest, highest, widest bridge. The country is earth’s top trading nation. No. 1 gold producer. Largest new car market. Leading manufacturer. Producer of 85 percent of all fake Christmas trees. Maker of China-made parts for American automobiles.
CNN keeps bleating stories about China’s efficiency. I only know the desk pen in my hotelroom doesn’t work. Nor its three phones. Neither does the damn bathroom scale which listed my weight at approximately 570 kilograms, which is half an ounce below King Kong after a heavy dinner.
Another wonderful thing here? The air. There is none. Pollution registering 30 in this town is considered safe. The other day, registering 300, we couldn’t venture outdoors without masks because it’s dangerous for your lungs. About my lungs, I don’t know. About my ears, I know. Masks attach with elastic bands so everyone walks around looking like a dentist performing root canal. Ripping my mask off at one point, what also ripped off was my nice little gold Judith Ripka earring.
So, my luggage was found but now I’ve lost an earring.
For Christmas the city imported Santa Clauses — from Finland. For New Year’s, Dragon TV is scheduled eight minutes of showtime. Instead of Anderson Cooper they got basketball’s Yao Ming. Plus whateverthehell a “Goose Dance” show is. Shanghai’s Conservatory of Music featured “Rigoletto” and “Carmen.” A 3-D light show was at the Bund. Citywide temples kept doors open for striking of a bell. The Peace Hotel had a special three-night stay for 38,000RMB per couple.
And my New Year’s resolution? To make sure United Airlines execs in charge of baggage exit their rehab reception room and enter a Shanghai Starbucks where can be found this sign: “Please take care of your belongs.”
Right.