Rupert Everett figures his new movie “Hysteria” will definitely cause hysteria.
“Ladies will love it,” he said. “Men may not. They might feel uncomfortable because they have difficulty in terms of women’s orgasms.”
Right. OK. So, moving on . . .
“It’s about inventing the first vibrator. In shadowy Victorian England, before discovery of female orgasms and the G spot, buttoned-up women suffered from the so-called physical disease ‘hysteria.’ Doctors did vaginal massages. So many a day, so popular, that tendons in their arms became inflamed.
“I play the inventor who plugged an electronic feather duster to a generator and tested it with street hookers. Under the feathers was a rubber knob. In the film it massages Hugh Dancy’s arm and, thus, this commercial idea is born.
“The movie’s not ‘Caligula.’ No penetration. It’s above board. Smoke and mirrors.”
Right. OK. So, moving on . . .
A colorful dude, Benedictine-educated Rupert’s from a high-born family of titled lords and vice admirals. He worked for drugs in not-so-nice jobs, says he’s bisexual and has a delicious sense of humor.
“My past is colorful, but I wouldn’t say my family is so upper-crust. In today’s market they’d almost be considered serfs. Y’know, I actually think my mother will love this movie. After all, it’s never too late to learn.”
Right. OK. So, moving on . . .
“I live in London. My landmarked house, which I love, once was the office of Dickens’ doctor. He must’ve been there a lot. I’m told he had colds a lot.
“I’m writing a book, making a TV series about World War I, set for a David Hare play, and am doing other movies. But my relaxation is cooking. I once had every meal in a restaurant but, since I’m embracing the new austerity in London, I’m not eating out anymore. Also, much of that food served is crap. So now my hobby’s cooking, and I relax by going to supermarkets.”
One thing about Rupert Everett. He’s not a boring interview.
ALBERT Einstein’s College of Medicine gave an achievement award. Not to a doctor. To a jeweler. Lorraine Schwartz. Her friend Sofia Vergara came to the luncheon. What Sofia wore or bought, I don’t know. What she did, I know. She downed Twinkies . . . Star Rangers goalie Henrik Lundqvist keeps in shape off-season by playing, unrecognized, biweekly at Midtown Tennis Club.
EVA Mendes definitely knows how to play a waitress in the new movie “Girl in Progress.” She says: “I once waited tables. For two days. I forgot orders because I became frazzled and couldn’t read what I’d written. To make up, I’d give customers dessert without charging them. I’d say, ‘Ohh, sorry. Here . . . free dessert.’ So I was let go.”
Hollywood’s Jeanne Wolf then tells me: “Her food career continued because the next job was in the same mall. A joint called ‘Hot Dog on a Stick.’ Eva’s specialty? Serving lemonade with franks stuck on a skewer.”
IN Vegas, Justin Bieber walked his pal Floyd Mayweather Jr. into the ring before he defeated Miguel Cotto and won the super welterweight title. June 1 Mayweather reports to jail. A sentence stemming from his guilty plea on domestic-abuse charges. Some fans were disappointed with Bieber because Mr. Mayweather Super Welterweight Champ Boxer Abuser is not exactly an enviable role model.
MORE role models. Veronica Atkins, very rich widow of diet guru Dr. Robert Atkins, is filing for divorce. There have been lawsuits against husband Alexis Mersentes, past reports of philandering and un-nice stories about his background. Still, she’s stuck by him five years. Word is she’ll now try to make sure their prenup is enforced.
NO role models. “Jersey Shore” Nicole Polizzi’s new literary output is “Gorilla Beach.” Snooki’s hustling that booky Tuesday, at Northvale, NJ’s Books & Greetings, the 18th in Huntington, LI’s Book Revue, the 19th in White Plains’ Barnes & Noble. And for a dish of cannoli, she’ll do a reading in your house.
MARINE Corporal Megan Leavey and Sgt. Rex, her Canine Unit German shepherd, are Purple Heart veterans. Wounded in Iraq, now retired together in Rockland County, their patriotism was honored Mother’s Day. Yankee president Randy Levine led them to home plate. The team signed a jersey for them. Nick Swisher (No. 33) presented a silver trophy. Andy Pettitte (No. 46) petted Rex. Alex Rodriguez (No. 13) gave Megan a Tiffany charm. Told don’t run to the dog, Alex — who always appreciates a beautiful animal — did. Rex reacted by nearly removing Alex’s arm.
Megan’s friends, father Bill, mother Ellyn, and thousands of fans applauded. Rex then secured our skybox. Sniffed it to be sure it’s safe. Even sniffed homemade doggy cookies bearing his face and name. Given a Yankee baseball squishy toy, Sgt. Rex clamped it tightly in jaws that were longer than Shaquille O’Neal’s sneakers. Trust me, nobody tried to take it away from him.
BRUCE Littlefield saw a Park Avenue dude wearing this T-shirt: “Mitt Romney for ex-president.”
Only in New York, kids, only in New York.