I’m going soft. Sentimental. Give me 10 minutes, and next week it’s back to crabby. But right now I’m into “Friends.” Not the TV show. The real deal.
Things change:
Employers hire cheaper. Companies are greedier. Workers grow lazier. Bosses act grumpier. Opportunities seem fewer. Promotions are chancier. Jobs turn scarcer.
Nannies are snippier. Kids are nastier. Teachers are tougher. Principals are stickier. Math is murkier.
The TSA’s dumber.
Husbands find younger. Exes turn uglier. Wives grow older. Hair looks grayer. Tempers grow shorter.
Passions grow fainter. Mistresses please quicker. Hookers do better.
Morals sink lower. Sex is raunchier.
Boobs are bigger. Behinds grow larger. Waxing’s often riskier.
Matchmakers become bolder. Prenups run longer. Parents get crankier. In-laws are grabbier. Teens are needier. Seniors feel sicker. Kids play bullier. Allowances are thinner. Fathers are chintzier. Uncles are poorer.
Prices go higher. Rent is costlier. Rooms are smaller. Landlords yell noisier. Contractors are lousier. Neighbors turn pestier.
Mice grow bigger. Deer and bear turn friendlier. Cats sound louder. Dogs poop oftener.
Jewelry sells glitzier. Skirts are shorter. Necklines sink lower. Style is cheaper. Fabrics are poorer. Undies are fancier. Trousers are schlumpier.
T-shirts are filthier. Ties are slimmer. Shoes are clunkier.
TV is junkier. Movies look gorier. Athletes are druggier. Newspapers are scarcer. Politicians smell sleazier. Shopkeepers are nastier. Salesladies are ruder. Bankers act riskier.
Buildings go larger. Opportunities shrink smaller. Escalators are faultier. Elevators are shakier.
France is ruder. Greece is poorer. Iran is sicker. Israel is wearier. China is hungrier. Washington is crappier. New York is tougher.
Niceties are fewer. Life is grittier.
Money is tighter. Economy is softer. Saving is harder. Poverty is nearer.
Streets show dirtier. Cars speed faster. Trains work slower. Oceans are rougher. Land is barer. Planes are smellier.
Surviving is harsher. Future looms darker. America looks poorer. Promises are rarer. Lovers are spiffy. Marriage is iffy.
Photographers are ruder. Paparazzi are cruder. Magazines are lewder. Gals are cuter. Guys are neuter.
Weather is harsher. Winter is snowier. Florida is sweatier. Mars looks nearer.
Jupiter hangs farther.
Cereals come smaller. Tomatoes come greener. Bananas squeeze softer. Cucumbers look longer. Steaks taste better. Broccoli tastes lousier. Popcorn is saltier. Soda grows larger. Doughnuts sell sweeter. Pasta makes fatter. Salads make thinner. Bagels are better.
Walmart is noisier. Pennies are scarcer. Alaska gets warmer. Deserts get drier. Glaciers get thinner.
People talk trashier. Cities expand larger.
Internet goes sneakier. Computers break faster. Cellphones ring louder. Anchors appear balder. Commentators play smarter. Weather girls are blonder. Weather guys are wrong-er.
Gas is rarer. Starlets are pushier. Pickpockets are bolder. Dentists are scarier. Spies are secreter. IRS is hungrier.
Laws are tougher. Courts are busier. Bail is costlier. Lawsuits are oftener. Attorneys turn richer. Clients end poorer.
Ashley Judd’s friskier. Gerard Butler’s hunkier. Buffett is wealthier. Madonna is punkier. Gaga is zanier.
Bieber is weirder. Madonna is kitschier. Angelina is hungrier. Spielberg is busier. Weinstein is louder. Madoff is murder.
Castro a dictator. Schwarzenegger a cheater. Wiener a loser. South Carolina’s ex-Gov a liar. John Mayer, a player. Rob Morrison a bummer. Chris Brown an abuser. Mr. Obama a user. Nick Nolte a boozer. Gingrich a schmoozer.
Alex Rodriguez is a batter. Alex Rodriguez was a batter. DSK was a bum. DSK is a bum. Financiers are sneaky. Repeat: Financiers are sneaky.
Banquets are longer. Fund-raisers are wearier. Red carpet’s jazzier. Emcees are cornier. Concerts are longer. Music is louder. Vegas a goner. Macao a comer.
Botox is oftener. Hillary’s a contender. Bill’s a pusher. Jeb Bush a comer. Marco Rubio a player.
So what’s left for anyone to personally count on?
Friends. We always need an ear to talk to, an eye to look to, a shoulder to lean on, an arm to grab on, a voice to speak, a heart to beat. When the world turns sour and maybe we feel we’re alone . . . or nobody cares . . . never forget the one thing that doesn’t change or disappoint is that close friend.
Unless he needs to borrow money.