It ain’t easy makin’ green.

Our country, light on heroes, reveres all-American sports guys. Nothing shouts USA more than baseball. But when a hero becomes a bum? Not good. Alex Rodriguez is a foul ball.

What’ll he do now? Hustle chum Clooney’s tequila? His Madonna pal “adviser” Guy Oseary gets him a movie? Please. We’ve all seen his acting these last years. Liar, cheat, iffy stoolie, what’s left for him but to run for mayor?

When godfather Bud Selig squishes him like a roach, the bust professionally could bust him financially. His attorney laundry list includes legal bills from heavy-duty money lead lawyer Cornwell down to Tacopina, whose hourly fee depends on TV close-ups.

What I know that you don’t, even though I only hit a stadium when I need a hot-dog fix: Alex-in-Wonderland’s answers lie in Buffalo. Back aways Canadian steroid master Dr. Anthony Galea was convicted of peddling this stuff. Allegedly he treated Alex. Allegedly Alex testified for him. When MLB interrogated Alex, Alex denied using it.

Pay attention. I’ll stick the word “allegedly” everywhere. Let’s say it’s allegedly speculated that said files have allegedly been sealed. Allegedly.

If so, then you ask your various lawyers — providing they don’t charge for a phone call — why they might allegedly have been sealed. Allegedly.

Alex now balances a cast of thousands. CAA guys, Jay Z guys, psychics, doctors, nutritionists, family, pals, hangers-on, the ex-wife, the current shtup-ee, the Miami crew. One inner circle says one thing, another burbles another. D-list A-Rod is running around in inner circles.

The Feds are sniffing. Also, one counselor mentioned Alex’s private medical records. Bingo! May the Yankees open this wide. Let’s all look. Why should we only read about Weiner’s weenie weiner.

Play ball.

Creative master

Director Lee Daniels had trouble raising funds for “The Butler.” Oprah, playing the butler’s wife in it, produced his earlier Oscar-heavy film “Precious.” He knows her, they’re friends, so why not ask her to back the production?

“I couldn’t,” Lee told me. “Had I asked her for the money, then she’s the employer. I’m working for her. She’s the boss. This was not that kind of party. I knew I had to set boundaries.”

Odds & ends

Christine Baranski to London to film the B’way show “Into the Woods” . . . Author Bruce Littlefield bought Olympia Dukakis’ used handmade hoop-handled basket. Garage sale . . . Congrats to the NYC newspapers for spits on Spitzer the Shpritzer. Clearly he’s burrowing back to being governor . . . At Pamplona’s Running of the Bulls, you could get hurt. At Wall Street’s Running of the Bears, you could get killed.

Funny fest promises a fabulous lineup

Nov. 8 starts NY’s 10th annual Comedy Festival in five theaters. Kathy Griffin works Carnegie Hall, Whitney Cummings does Town Hall, Bill Burr’s at the Beacon, Caroline Hirsch’s 30-year club Caroline’s does two shows with Charlie Murphy.

Besides Larry David and David Steinberg’s “Conversation” one night, besides those working Madison Square Garden, besides Wanda Sykes and Bill Maher, it’s 175 comedy acts lined up.

Maybe more fun than A-Rod’s medical records.

Friday, 4:30, 68th and B’way’s Loews. A lady I don’t know, never met, never saw, crawls across a full aisle, squeezes past my friend alongside — and kisses my cheek. I’m in shock. She says: “I always read you. You give me such pleasure. I wanted to show how much I love you.”

Although I was startled, it sure makes up for those lousy letters I get that begin, “Dear Stupid . . .”

Only in New York, kids, only in New York.