It’s Valentine’s Day.
In Ancient Rome, St. Valentine per formed marriages for the soldiers of Emperor Claudius, who’d banned the rite because he did not want emo tional ties that could make his troops less bold in battle.
In the Middle Ages, folk of young ages drew names from a bowl to see who their Valentines might be. Those names were then pinned on their cuffs for a week. The forerunner of the phrase “wearing your heart on your sleeve.”
Wedding rings grew out of the custom of locking a bride in irons with the best man assigned to guard her prior to the ceremony.
Per the Times of London, every Valentine’s Day morning some unknown writes a note saying, “Are you there, Moriarty?” — addressed to Mr. Sherlock Holmes — and plops it through the letterbox of the Abbey National branch that now stands at 221B Baker Street. I don’t know why. They don’t even know why.
Old wives’ tale: Feb. 14 is the date centuries ago when migratory birds returned to England to mate.
More old wives’ tales: The first feathered friend a single maiden sees on Valentine’s Day will foretell her future mate. A bluebird is a sign he’ll be happy but poor. A crossbill means cranky and quarrelsome. Sparrow? The guy’s a farmer. Robin? He’s a sailor. Blackbird? A clergyman. And if she sees a woodpecker, the old broad will stay an old-broad spinster.
Foreign lovers cause all kinds of no-nos. The gift is roses. Or chocolates. Even teddy bears. But not in Russia, where bears are a sign of aggression. So any American with a Sovietsky girlfriendsky, forget the pit stop at FAO Schwarz. And don’t send a Brazilian a greeting card, because a) it’s cheap, and b) that culture considers it insincere.
Want to say something on a card? Hand it to the Brazilian in person with some small gift attached. And forget flowers if she’s Polynesian. In Polynesia, that’s a sign of thanks, not love. I mean, if your intention is to say thanks for the night before, that’s something else. You can ship her the whole Brooklyn Botanical Garden.
And for a lousy statistic: Rather than appear unloved, many women send themselves flowers on this day. Another statistic: Only in America where our morals have gone the way of our politicians do proper gents send their improper ladies sexy lingerie as a gift. I mean, guys, think peonies, not panties.
Laura Bush says Dubya was “not very good” at remembering This Day. The White House florist always sent up flowers automatically. Once the gardener fashioned a heart-shaped topiary. “But the gardener thought it up, the president didn’t,” she says.
Clint Eastwood met wife Dina Ruiz when she was sent to interview him . . . Kenny Loggins met nurse Julia when she was hired to give him a high colonic.
Kate Capshaw on husband S. Spielberg: “What attracted me was that he smelled like a newborn baby.”
Courtney Cox‘s wedding ring is inscribed: “A deal is a deal.”
In 1966, to propose to Deborra-Lee Furness, Hugh Jackman set a table for two in a Melbourne park. Furness was so excited that she jumped on the table and shouted, “I said ‘Yes!’ ” to the crowd of youngsters watching from behind bushes
1990. New Year’s Eve party in Gstaad. John Travolta dropped down to one knee to propose to Kelly Preston
1996. For his wedding to Melinda French, and so nobody could crash it, Bill Gates reserved every rental car, camp site and hotel room on the entire Hawaiian island of Lanai.
And some creature named Michael Webb has written some book called “The RoMANtic’s Guide: Hundreds of Creative Tips For A Lifetime of Love,” in which he’s into the bathroom, not the bedroom.
To show you care, he suggests scribbling a love note on a roll of toilet paper. “Unspool it, then write messages like ‘Love you, sweetie pie’ on several sheets using a black felt marker that won’t leave stains on skin.” OK?
Also, if wine, dark chocolate and candles trigger migraines in you, go for champagne, white chocolate and colored light bulbs.
And hypnotist/mentalist Kreskin tells how to determine if he/she/it is lying when saying “I love you”:
“In love, you are automatically in an uncritical frame of mind. You set aside barriers. You don’t stop to analyze. So, look back. Relive mentally the sound of the person’s voice when they said they loved you. Did you detect anything strange? Recall . . . think . . . did it give some uneasiness? If so, that’s your signal it’s not what it’s cracked up to be. Keep in mind that this partner is mesmerizing you. Such is love. Love is an expensive experience. Everyone pays a price.”
Meanwhile — and Kreskin doesn’t say this — take the flowers, take the chocolate and if there’s anything else to take — other than his/her kids from an earlier liaison — take that, too.
Happy Valentine’s Day. Take your mother-in-law to lunch.