Hollywood. Oscar time. Statuettes and shmattas. Boobs and butts. From Bergman and Bogart, Grable and Gable, Lamarr and Lamour, we’re on to Chiwetel Ejiofor, Lupita Nyong’o and Barkhad Abdi.
Samuel L. Jackson became a ’95 Oscar legend. Visibly swore when he didn’t win. 1984. Shirley MacLaine ditched congratulating fellow nominees and said: “I deserve this.” Academy Award nights create emotional dysentery. “Titanic” director James Cameron, 1998, hollering, “I’m king of the world!”
Welcomes get overstayed. 1983. “Gandhi’s” Richard Attenborough. His account of Mahatma’s life ran longer than the film. Second-longest speech? Greer Garson’s seven-minute ramble began with: “I’m practically unprepared.” First longest? Greer. Years earlier forher Best Actress win for “Mrs. Miniver.”
Plus there’s gibberish. Jonathan Demme’s 40 uhs and ums for “Silence of the Lambs.” “In the Heat of the Night’s” Rod Steiger thanked his maharishi. 1979. Honorary Award. Laurence Olivier burbled about “the great firmament of your nation’s generosities.”
Political gestures. 1973. That Native American Brando sent to collect for “The Godfather.” 1978. Best Supporting Vanessa Redgrave drew gasps by announcing she “wasn’t intimidated by a small bunch of Zionist hoodlums.”
And best wacko? In 1999, “Life Is Beautiful’s” Roberto Benigni, who went bonkers babbling “I want to lie down in the firmament making love to everybody.”
And greatest effort to look greatest? Renée Zellweger cleansed her face with Japanese citrus fruit Yuzu followed by Brazilian tangerine oil followed by Indian lotus oil followed by her skin buffed and vacuumed with a diamond-equipped device followed by pads attached to electric charges to give her face a pink glow.
Kerry Kennedy: self-centered
BOBBY Kennedy: Civilization suffers if my “human-rights activist sis Kerry’s convicted for drugged driving.” One moment about wonderful Kerry Kennedy:
Years back she introduced then-husband Andrew Cuomo at an event. Jammed ballroom. My tiny table-for-three included Gov. and Mrs. Mario Cuomo, whom I love. Andrew stood silently onstage while Kerry spoke endlessly, minimum 20 minutes, about herself, her deeds, her Kennedys and ran a video about herself.
Parent Cuomos said nothing. Exchanged no glance with me. Staring straight ahead, they sat stoic.
Superlative Kerry? Whose conviction would make mankind suffer? Not if it shuts her narcissistic mouth.
Odds & ends
THE Baldwins, Alec, Hilaria and baby-makes-three, were visiting her family in Spain . . . CNN needs spelling lessons. Last week, discussing construction, a kyron (words on the screen’s bottom) misspelled the word “constrution”. . . “The Butler” director Lee Daniels, who deserved a nomination, doing Fox pilot “Empire,” a whatever it is hip-hop family drama . . . Baryshnikov at B’way’s “No Man’s Land.”
Mate search
MARCH brings “Marry Smart: Advice for Finding ‘The One.’ ” Publisher, Gallery Books. Agent, Jane Dystel. In refined literary lingo, author Susan Patton says: Shove a job. Get a guy. Building a career 10 years after college, come time you’re scratching for a husband you’re 30, and young chicks already grabbed those hot roosters. “Educated men can prefer younger, less challenging women.
“Look early. Start soon. Stop wasting time dating bad boys and married men. But don’t give it away. Intimacy without commitment? Men won’t buy the cow if the milk is free.”
This lady praised a snakeskin purse an acquaintance gave her. Replied the friend listening: “Nice to hear. Especially since I’m the one who originally bought it for her.”
Only in New York, kids, only in New York.