SOMEBODY, anybody, please help save Courtney Love.

The woman is not together.

At Heathrow, heading for here, a total meltdown. Sprawled on the floor, packing and repacking her luggage — bras and panties under people’s feet.

And in the crowded hall shrieking . . . shrieking . . . at her assistant: “I told you already to get rid of that f – – – ing Burberry scarf. I’m keeping the Chloe.”

Then, eight hours of performance art in first class, which is always enjoyable to make a flight go faster. Again, screaming into coach where her poor harried assistant sat: “Why are you just sitting there? What are you doing about my Kindle? I need a charger cable for my Kindle.”

What she wanted to read, who knows? Figures it wasn’t a digest version of “The Care and Feeding of a Substance Abuser.”

PAY attention. There is wandering around and pawing the earth — plus whomever and whatever part he can paw — something called Maximiliano Palacio. An Argentinean model. “Model” being the quick definitive for “out of work actor who meanwhile specializes in Tiger Woods‘ specialty.”

For such type work Max is already practiced, knows what to do and doesn’t need an agent. He works through personal recommendation.

For 10 minutes, he was the man toy for Kelly Bensimon on “The Really Fake Housewives of New York.” Then he became the whatever-this-type-work-is-called for Luann de Lesseps. Now he’s the handy device for the newest of the new housewives Sonja Morgan.

Max, basta! Pay attention. You know what happens to boys who overuse their things. They get neck problems.

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES picks carefully. A no-show at the Drama Desk nominees reception. A front-and-center show at the Tony nominees reception . . . Bryant Park loos now getting Brill Sanitized toilet seats. Those clear plastic covers that rotate every time a new behind plops down. The toilet’s green button is pressed and voilà — a clean sanitized doily for each derriere. Too bad it wasn’t ready for Fashion Week. But maybe models don’t need them. They don’t use the john for what others use the john for.

JUNE 30, NY Athletic Club, The NYC Marines black-tie “Mess Night” din ner organized by Elaine Kaufman, who appears as concerned about them as she is about her customers. Celebrity chefs and restaurateurs will join her effort. She’s launching the NYC Marine Corps Council’s NYC Restaurants Love Our Troops campaign. And we love Elaine.

THE younger generation’s everywhere. Frankie Valli at an opening party for something called “White’s Lies.” Went with a friend whose kid is in the show . . . And Sam Waterston, who it would appear has children in every show around, left a party at Terrazza Toscana. It was for something called “Lascivious Something,” which stars his daughter Elisabeth. He had to make an early train for Connecticut to be at the Stamp Ceremony honoring Katharine Hepburn.

OK, but with Waterston’s residuals and with all those kids working, he couldn’t spring for a car? A truck? A neighbor with a borrowed bike?

SO this morning somebody asked me, “Whatever happened to Puddy?”

Who? What the hell is a Puddy?

Seems Puddy was the on-again-off-again boyfriend of the Elaine character, played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus, on “Seinfeld.”

I tracked him down. I found him. Name’s Patrick Warburton. Seems a nice man who lives simply with his longtime wife and four children in LA. And makes no waves. And is now on another TV sitcom, “Rules of Engagement.” And for some odd reason just made a straight-to-DVD movie called “Flicka 2” and seemed stunned that I would be reaching out to talk to him.

Listen, so was I.

“Puddy was an odd, quirky character. Jerry loved him. Larry David loved him. I did 10 episodes in all,” this man told me.

“I loved most when the plot that week had Elaine going to jail, and I had the final final word. She said: ‘David, don’t wait for me’ and my line was, ‘All right.’ ”

“People still shout ‘Puddy!’ on the street. Listen, I’m not bored or annoyed or upset with it. I’m grateful. I consider myself fortunate.”

Is he in contact with the old group?

“I speak to Jason every now and then. I talk to Seinfeld. I’ve already been invited to work with him on other projects. He invited me to be in the ‘Bee Movie.’ In that one, I didn’t have too much conversation with him. I just wanted to hit my marks. You don’t want to put your foot in anything.

“All I know is I’m thankful to Larry David.”

And “Rules of Engagement”?

“Takes a few shows to get rolling. It just started this [fourth] season. I really like the show, and I think we should get a full pickup for next season.”

ACTUAL conversation between two men who are grown dogs:

“When is it really disgusting for a doctor to have sex with his patient?”

“When he’s a vet.”