Celebrity News

Celebs go from ‘fad’ to worse

KIDDIES, mother is upset. We are spiraling downhill faster than Kate‘s husband, Con Gosselin.

Years ago, everyone was into ba bies. If they weren’t on the mattress trying to make one, they were at the doctor trying to manufacture one, or in Asia trying to rent one. It was having a baby without a husband, having a baby without a boyfriend, having a baby without sex. Two lesbians fathering a baby, two gays mothering a baby. Adopting a baby. Bankrolling an entire African nation to buy a baby. Old geezers with young wives taking a shot with their last bullet. And talk about begats, we even had that guy pregnant with HIS baby.

Like the newest Vuitton bag, you just weren’t “in” unless you were schlepping a baby. The two Nicoles had them — Richie and Kidman. Penelope Cruz may or may not be having Javier Bardem‘s. Matthew McConaughey‘s unmarried lady, Camila Alves, is delivering his second heir. Chris Noth‘s ladyfriend made him a baby. Edie Falco adopted two. We hear Mariah Carey wants a baby. We hear Beyoncé would like a baby. Kim Kardashian or Khloe Kardashian or Kourtney or Kook, whatever the name is, announced she wants six. One to go with each of her IQ points. Salma Hayek‘s got baby Valentina. Tori Spelling‘s making a career of hers. Sarah Jessica Parker‘s added a surrogate kid. And — Lord have mercy — let us not forget Octoham Nadya Suleman.

Then they wanted something even smaller to carry, so the next trend became substance abuse. Big names with big incomes who can’t smell the roses because their noses are clogged.

Want to talk Amy Winehouse? Kate Moss? How do you spell Lindsay Lohan? Darryl in-and-out-of-the-can Strawberry? Tim Allen did time for selling coke. Anyone other than his dealer remember Corey Feldman? There’s the once-upon-a-time hamburger-eating-off-the-floor David Hasselhoff. Coming behind daddy Nick Nolte‘s mug shot is his son Brawley, 23, recently arrested on suspicion of DUI. For a little bit there was Keith Urban. For a little bit more there was Britney Spears.

Richard Dreyfuss steered his Mercedes into a tree while under some influence. Jodie Foster caught at Logan Airport carrying something that wasn’t luggage. Robin Williams just did a little rehab. Stacey Keach, Kelsey Grammer, the OsbournesOzzy, Kelly, whoever — Whitney Houston, Gary Busey, Chevy Chase, Robert Downey Jr., Dannyoy!Bonaduce, John Cusack, Tyne Daly, Gary Oldman, Kiefer Sutherland of whom you may have heard and heard and heard. Hollywood could prep the new series “Betty Ford 90210.”

After that, the newest accessory became pooches. Sienna Miller was in the paper Friday walking her black hound, Bess. Naomi Judd‘s got 14. Paris Hilton with her kennel-to-kennel Chihuahuas? She hasn’t even been in bed with as many TWO-legged dogs. Besides such as Kristen Chenoweth‘s fluffy white Maltese Maddie (in honor of Madeline Kahn), there’s Adam Sandler‘s bulldog named Matzoball, Elton John‘s spaniels Marilyn and Arthur, Minnie Driver‘s Bubba, etc.

When lawyers got rid of Charlie Sheen, Denise Richards hired a different expert to train her other hound dogs. Danielle Staub, something called a “Real Housewife of New Jersey” — as though there is such a thing — alleged her ex-husband killed her pet. And we’ve heard denials that Bo, the Obamas‘ Portuguese water dog, has watered certain parts of the White House. And on and on and on.

Next trend for the boldfaced names was diets. From low carbs to high colonics. Then it was gurus, swamis, and ashrams. Hollywood had God on speed-dial. Next up, body piercings and tattoos. Angelina‘s got them in crevices even Brad Pitt hasn’t been. Billy Bob Thornton had them in places even Angelina hadn’t been. Kid Rock? Forget it. Travis Barker? Covered in them. It’s A-to-Z. Jessica Alba, David Beckham, Penelope Cruz, Johnny Depp, Carmen Electra, Megan Fox . . .

We’ve also done greed. With so many now in jail there’s no room left for a real honest robber anymore. So then it was onto Operation Pump and Plump. Botox? Juvederm? Collagen? Restylane? Madonna? That Donatella Versace person? Let’s start with Lisa Rinna. Or, better, let’s stop with Lisa Rinna.

Today the wheel has turned so far that they’re back to simple plain old-fashioned screwing around. Like, Rihanna got into that whole abuse mess because she was basically afraid her guy was doing it with someone else. Of course there’s A-Rod‘s now ex-wife, Cynthia, who KNEW he was doing it with EVERYONE else.

There’s always Letterman, Spitzer, Gov. David Paterson, Clinton and that South Carolina governor yutz Mark Sanford who dragged his assets to Argentina because, from sea to shining sea, he couldn’t manage to nail anyone willing. Did we mention Staten Island Congressman Vito Fossella? French President Nicolas Sarkozy? International loser John Edwards?

Why can’t we all calm down and appreciate what we’ve got? Or just be happy reading ME?