Celebrity News

For them, life is ‘Fair’

Divine Providence made the stars, but Vanity Fair entertains them.

Screenwriter Aaron Sorkin‘s half-hour-old Oscar for “The Social Network” was already at the bar at VF’s post-Academy Awards party. Sandra Bullock‘s red drop-dead gown on the telecast? Before the applause died down, Sandra and shmatta were there, too.

The guest list segued from oldies to newies. There was Sumner Redstone, who predates Methuselah and who kept hollering at some lackey. There was Justin Bieber with rock ‘n’ roll writer Lisa Robinson. His first time at this thing. The kid’s not old enough to drink. Lisa is.

His little settee included Selena Gomez. Also Fran Lebowitz, who introduced me to Justin with: “Meet my husband.” I laughed. Then: “We’re catching up on old times.” She laughed. I then asked Justin, “You know who Fran is?” He laughed and said, “No.”

REESE Witherspoon showed with new fiancé, agent Jim Toth. Old husband, Ryan Phillippe, stayed way out of the way of ex-wife Reese. Mick Jagger stayed with longtime ladyfriend L’Wren Scott. She’s hugely tall. He’s not. If he gets out of line, she could throw him out a window. Jake Gyllenhaal, who once dated Taylor Swift, came alone.

AND then there was Taylor. Gorgeous. In gold spike heels, gold shiny clutch, gold spangly mini so puny that it barely covered her gold standard. The back featured laces. “How can you eat in that?” I asked.

“Please,” she said. “I had two full meals today, breakfast and lunch, before putting this on. The reason being I can manage to get into it is because it’s corseted.”

The other four reasons being she’s young, skinny, stunning and blond. Ditto A-Rod‘s latest home run Cameron Diaz, who was inside a short Carolina Herrera black-and-white job. As in very short. Carolina, in long, said, “When Cameron bought it she wanted it taken up a bit.” Yeah, like to first base.

GRAYDON stood alongside Gwyneth. Forget last names. A Gwyneth Lopez and Graydon O’Shaughnessy doesn’t exist. Graydon: “We’ve done this party 18 years. The first was 400 people.”

And this one? Maybe 800. Gwyneth was in wall-to-wall peach beads. “It’s by another New York Jew, Michael Kors,” she explained.

Ron Howard waltzed past with his pleasant, impersonal “Gladdaseeya.” Considering it was a State Occasion, Russell Simmons showed hatless. Anjelica Huston stayed glued to brother Danny. Earlier at dinner, Arianna Huffington texted throughout the steak, Caesar salad and ice-cream sandwich — huffing and puffing, probably learning what to do with that loot from her HuffPo toy.

INSIDE this Sunset Tower Hotel on Sunset Boulevard, festooned with types like mommy Naomi Watts and daddy Liev Schreiber, plus something that looked like Judd Apatow and I think turned out to be Judd Apatow, one undecipherable voice was raised to mention: “I heard Ashton got voted a Razzie Award.” Replied some other undistinguished voice: “I hear his next will be the horror movie ‘Demi Does Dishes.’ ”

BEHIND a pot of tulips and roses, Jason Bateman. Talking double-time to some face I didn’t know, talk ing so fast he was obviously trying to sell the guy something — Barry Diller. Sipping whatever, inhaling finger-food party burgers, everyone squished together. Oscar winner Melissa Leo, standing, Jamie Foxx standing. Still, somehow, those Collins sisters — Jackie and Joan — always manage to find a spot to sit.

SIDNEY Poitier: “I now weigh 184. “I lost 20 pounds,” he told me. Ander son Cooper: “Everyone worries about Israel, but that country is so together it will be all right,” he told me. Tom Hanks, I don’t think told me anything.

Diane von Furstenberg, healed from a recent ski accident, showed photos of her once bashed-in face to everyone. A) she now looks great, and B) the hand holding the photos featured a killer turquoise bracelet wider than a cummerbund, so too much sympathy she didn’t get.

Colin Firth came with his Oscar. David Seidler, who wrote “The King’s Speech,” came with his Oscar. Helena Bonham Carter came without an Oscar. Sacha Baron Cohen came, although he never had an Oscar.

IT was a clutch of designers: Tom Ford, Tory Burch, Donna Karan. A pack of old guard: Betsy Bloomingdale, George Hamilton, Lynn Wyatt. New kids on the block: Michelle Williams, Sofia Vergara, Chace Crawford. Faces you know: Leonardo DiCaprio, Jennifer Lopez, those Olsen twins who never saw a party anywhere they didn’t like.

Producer Brett Ratner, doing a film about Madoff: “I booked my lawyer friend Barry Slotnick to play a lawyer. But the part needs 20 days, and he could only spare two days. So before we started, I fired him.”

I then went back to my Montage hotel. Though Justin Bieber’s mother was let ting him stay up late, I’d had enough. I figured folk like Renée Zellweger, Bar Refaeli and Claire Danes would just have to eat, drink and stare without me.