July Fourth is coming. The only intel ligent thing is to sponge off someone. Usually that’s a human who, when I had a country home, I hated having as a houseguest. Considering I have no summer place anymore and they do, I’m now looking to them to be a houseguest.
Houseguests are always needy. Bed’s too hard, pillow’s too soft. Too air-conditioned, too humid, too noisy, too quiet, the potato salad’s full of ants. Anyone here who can iron my blouse? Sew my button? Fix my bag? Who’ll launder my tennis shorts?
There exist rules for falling in on someone. First, a gift. Wine, cookies, flowers. Forget those stupid candles. Enough with those stupid candles. They’re everyplace. Saks Albania probably sells them on the second floor. That’s assuming anything in Albania is over one floor. Every creature alive has either been given or given away these stupid candles that smell like lavatories, drop tallow everywhere and set pets afire.
Chugging Eastward Ho!, the highways are alive with the sound of music. And none of it’s “Yankee Doodle Dandy.” Our patriotic brethren hum Looney Gaga, not George M. Cohan. Do they know the daddy of Yankee music Stephen Foster, who brought us “Oh! Susanna” and “Old Folks at Home” was born July Fourth? And our one-time former most famous movie star Tom Cruise was born late July 3, which is almost the Fourth?
Besides Nancy Reagan, other presidential families were into favorable horoscopes. I’ll bet no Hamptonite, while barbecuing overdone chicken, ever mentions that whoever knew Jefferson well enough to call him Tommy reported this guy actually specifically declared July Fourth. Not because it was a holiday. Because the astrological signs lined up.
Matilda Cuomo suddenly jumps into my head. In 2001, what was she doing July Fourth? She told me: “Baby-sitting. My son Andrew and his wife, Kerry, are in Texas fund-raising for his gubernatorial run. So I’m taking care of their children.” A few fireworks and a divorce later, he is now governor.
Things to be done on this glorious holiday:
* Pray you leave Earth peacefully in your sleep and not on Montauk Highway screaming and yelling at the driver who cut you off.
* Fishing. With atmospheric conditions polluting our waters, you can always watch some dolphin give the Heimlich maneuver to a squid.
* Uma Thurman favors nude dining. That’s pleasant. But understand, they might throw you out of Burger King.
* Fall in on your folks. Return to your original hometown, which is so small the entire fire department is a senior citizen wearing Depends.
* Tour Florida’s alligator farms. Ask how many teeth these creatures have, and you’ll get answered by their head alligator keeper Stumpy Silverman.
* Give your nanny off and teach your children to play Hide and Go Shop.
* Buy your little ones playthings. Like the new Anthony Weiner pull toy.
* On this relaxed day, try golf. Or sex. Things you don’t have to be good at to enjoy.
* Sail on a rich man’s yacht. If the water’s rough, wait to hear, “Wallet overboard.”
Or just enjoy this city. We’re Oz. When foreigners the world over could walk and talk, they imagined their way toward New York. New York exists in people’s imaginations. It starts in night dreams and ends with a bus ticket.
It’s hot jewelry peddled on street corners. A watch comes with a guy’s wrist still in it. It’s potholes, pollution, tote bags, water bottles. Outdoor eating off carts or from plastic deli containers. It’s coffee to go from curbside restaurants on wheels. And there’s attitude. Oh, have we got attitude. Take maybe St. Louis. They’re polite. Why? Nothing else to do. Asking how another feels and saying “Thank you” uses up hours. Makes a day go. Who has time for that? We’re too busy hustling.
We are the best. Where else but in this town do muggers go out in the rain? Only in New York does a public school class come equipped with a teacher, a principal, a monitor and a coroner. OK, so some neighborhoods are a little not clean. So what? So you put the street signs up in Braille.
Out-of-towner types say our city is not safe. Please. We are safe. We got 8 million citizens. Some have never even been mugged once. So if you live in Terre Haute, you don’t die from drive-by shootings. But how about from boredom?
Why are we the best? Because compared to us, the whole rest of the world is Bridgeport.
So enjoy our nation’s birthday. Sun, tan, picnic, watch fireworks, fight with your in-laws. It’s the USA’s holiday.
But remember it is Fourth of July. The day America was born. In our fight for independence, Britain’s 500 ships and 30,000-man force was the largest until Normandy on June 6, 1944. Some historian once wrote, “The immense sanctimony of posterity imposed on the past always means we think we know better.” We did better then. We’ll do better now. We’ll always be better. We’re the United States of America.
Think about your country, flag, Pledge of Allegiance. Realize there’s no other blessed land on Earth like ours. Study the Founding Fathers. Know never will we go under if, as many of us believe, we are one nation under God.
Have a good weekend. Save me a hot dog. See you Tuesday.