Kiddies, while DiCaprio pants for a March 2, 2014, Oscar, mother will reprise March 10, 1994. Academy Award nominees breakfast. He’s up for Best Supporting. Seeing him, Oscar winner Celeste Holm asks: “Who’s he?” Then: “Who???”
Told again, she asks, “What’s he do?” Leo’s staring.
“Nominated for an Oscar.”
“As what?”
“Actor. For ‘What’s Eating Gilbert Grape.’ ”
“Lord, I wouldn’t see that. Sounds like a pie-eating contest.”
Wondering who she is, he’s told, “Celeste Holm. Famous actress.” Silence. Nothing. Nada. Niente. Zilch. Then: “All About Eve,” “Gentleman’s Agreement.”
“Never heard of them,” he says.
“Learn your industry’s history,” she snapped.
Leo: “I won’t lie to you. I never saw you.”
Celeste: “I never saw you, either.”
Me, palms wet from nerves, was the one between them.
Banana beginnings
At 17, Jimmy Fallon’s mum said Poughkeepsie comedy club Bananas was having an impressionists contest.
Entering, his routine included assorted celebrities pitching a troll doll. He won $100 and the MC’s job.
To perform, his father, who worked for IBM, drove him from their Saugerties home.
Friends mumble he mightn’t have nailed “Tonight” if Bananas hadn’t gone bananas over him that night.
Odds & ends
Lady Gaga about paparazzi: “They’d examine my poop if they could.” . . . At LAX, adult films’ Ron Jeremy, sockless in lime green Crocs, completely feeling no pain. The feet appeared semi schloompy . . . Obama applauded for gloriously receiving Charles Barkley. A president who lectures on values, nice he rewards Barkley after the NBA fined him $10,000 for spitting on an 8-year-old girl . . . Tyne Daly, in B’way’s “Mothers and Sons,” getting a First Avenue pedicure.
Countless loves NYC
Moreon that Highclere Castle/“Downton Abbey” real live Countess Fiona, who, with the 8th Earl of Carnarvon husband, is among us. She says: “My second visit here. It’s been so peaceful. People have been polite. I’ve walked all by myself through your city. Fortunately, I read your forecast and came with boots. Love the views. Love Central Park. But I can’t work out the streets in the Village. I always walk the wrong way.
“Meanwhile, my husband and my son are shopping. They wanted to go to Saks for shoes. We’ve done wonderful restaurants and seen shows like ‘Kinky Boots.’ ”
So, with the “Downton Abbey” good fortune, how has she treated herself? “I bought a rescue horse from France.”
Summation: “Jane Austen said around 1870: ‘You should never marry for money — but it would be foolish to marry without money.’ ”
Warmer days
No business like snow business. Sunning in villas in Jamaica — not Long Island — the world’s professional guests: HRH Prince Michael of Kent, Yugoslavia’s Princess Elizabeth and a ¹/₂ -inch of Countesses and Lords.
Hear it first
Ask not what your columnist can do for you . . . ask what you can do for your columnist. And that’s to remember — when time comes — that I was first to inform you: a scooperooni — with back-up proof available to me — will be coming down. It’s about a known lawyer.
After the White House State Dinner gig, Mary J. Blige: “I do cardio, lots of water and my trainer’s four times a week.” Hampton Sheet’s Joan Jedell asked her food secrets. Answer: “None. My diet is do the best you can.”
Only in New York, kids, only in New York.