Bernard Kerik, NYC’s former police commissioner, USA’s former Homeland Security Chief nominee, Cumberland, Md.’s current federal prison camp inmate, is home in two weeks.

Indicted for ethics violations. Sentenced to four years in Feb ’10. He’s out May 28, 9 a.m. He’ll have served three years 11 days.

No airplane. No big-time fuss. Friends are driving him the five hours home.

May 23’s original release date would’ve mandated time in a Newark halfway house. An updated 28th date is straight to Franklin Lakes, where he lives.

Prison eats not being exactly Le Cirque, soon-to-be ex-inmate No. 84888-054’s waist has slimmed from 36 to 33. And he already ordered his first meal. Takeout from nearby pal Al’s catering service The Brownstone: fresh mozzarella, shrimp scampi, beefsteak, rice balls and brownies.

Awaiting him is his wife of 15 years, Hala, plus age 10 and 13 daughters who hope “to take off from school that day.” Celine sings well and, although never having auditioned for anything, hopes for show business. Animal lover Angelina wants to be a vet or an attorney.

Also waiting is 5-year-old Ducchess. A 98-pound German shepherd. Says Hala: “Once she smells him, she’ll go crazy.”

Friends who attended his going-away farewell dinner that May night remained in touch — even visiting in jail. When e-mail wasn’t reliable or ran out of minutes, Bernie’s handwritten communication was lined paper from yellow legal pads.

Some were simple two lines: “Just to let you know I’m thinking of you and I miss you.” Or: “Taking one day at a time . . . seeing the family this weekend and can’t wait. Visits break up the time . . . Worst is boredom. Days seem to drag on . . .”

Others were longer. “Hala tries to stay strong publicly but is disappointed by many friends that disappeared. Times like these teach you about life and people in general. Worrying about me here, bills, our financial worries, health issues, the future, the kids, and the devastating death of her sister’s husband who was 48, she’s stressed nearly beyond her tipping point.

“It’s like the world is imploding. The worst is missing her and the girls. It’s been a rough year for them. Seems more than we can bear . . .”

STARS of “Homeland” discovered Amali, the East Side’s new Mediterreanean restaurant . . . “The Bachelor’s” Sean Lowe and Catherine Giudici had their forks all over each other at Benjamin Steakhouse . . . One night only. June 10. The Public. Kevin Kline, Eric Idle, Martin Short, Glenn Close doing “The Pirates of Penzance.”

DURAN Duran and Shirley Bassey adding to May 23’s Cannes AIDS benefit . . . Jennifer Lopez and kindergarten boyfriend hit “Pippin.” People were surprised his mommy let him stay out that late . . . June 5 there’s a Live In Brooklyn album recording with Janeane Garofalo and Jim Gaffigan. Go find out where online.

ENOUGH with these Internet dating services. Gals must learn right now that if a guy’s inflatable doll runs off with his Goodyear tire, he’s a loser.

KERRY Washington. In the new movie “Peeples.”

“I figured after my heavy ‘Django,’ I should do a comedy. Years ago I did light things. My family says I’m a goofball who’s silly and has an odd sense of humor.

“My parents, true New Yorkers — Bronx and Brooklyn — were terrified for me to be an actor. Dad’s in real estate. To him acting meant a starving life.

“In this Tyler Perry film, I wear my own wardrobe. I think clothes make the character. I live in LA because of work, but I’m a New York girl so I brought an aesthetic I know really well to the character. I understood her. Knowing what she should wear I brought my own cape, J.Crew sweaters, Tod’s handbag, my own high-heel Wellies rain boots, a cute quilted sport jacket from my own closet.

“This shoot was fun. Tyler plays guitar, and the producers locked up the piano after a scene because we’d all gather round it and sing.”

Kerry says she can predict what fans will say to her.

“With someone in the early 20s it’s, ‘I know you from ‘Fantastic 4.’ In their 60s: ‘Loved you in ‘Race.’ Irish people, it’s the movie ‘The Last King of Scotland.’ In the 30s: ‘You’re so great in ‘Scandal.’ Theater people tell me, ‘Saw you on Broadway.’ With the 80-year-olds, the wild card is ‘Scandal.’ ”

SO, Metlife Stadium’s Outstanding Mother of the Year auction. Dangled for $2,000, Taylor Swift tickets brought $1,800. Justin Bieber, live at Barclay Center, grabbed the highest $2,000 bid. Debra Messing brought her own mom and said when she wanted to be an actress, Mom answered: “I guess it has to be someone. May as well be you.”

FRIDAY a Times book reviewer human named Garner critiqued a new food memoir. Writing with his nostrils, he sniffed that the thing’s “talky . . . lightweight . . . its prose is Red Lobster, not Le Bernardin,” and he ended with “What is this, a Cindy Adams column?”

Garner’s literary ability makes one realize it’s not only his nose that smells.

Only in New York, kids, only in New York.