Some immortal coined the phrase: “What’s in a name?” Must’ve been Shakespeare. If not, maybe Neil Simon.
I now ask the same thing, What’s with these names?
Christening a kid Doris, Harold and Gertrude went out with Hoover aprons. Even Stanleys and Sheilas have gone the way of rumble seats.
Today infants are Ashley, Isabella, Ava and Jayden. That is, unless itchy to be kitschy, celebrities tag offspring with tags like Elle Macpherson’s son Aurelius.
The Beckhams have Brooklyn, Ashlee Simpson has the Bronx. So far no one has Staten Island.
Jamie Oliver’s kids? Poppy Honey and Petal Blossom Rainbow. For their birthdays, they probably get mulch and fertilizer.
Jay Z, a k a Shawn Carter, with baby Blue Ivy. Gwyneth with baby Moses. Kanye and the big behind girlfriend’s baby North, who’ll probably grow up to remake that old movie “North by North West.” And before this couple marries, a possibility is the groom walks down the aisle with a date.
A Heidi Klum son is Henry Günther Ademola Dashtu. A Shanna Moakler/Travis Barker daughter is Alabama, which definitely beats the second choice of New Mexico. Rachel Griffiths’ child goes by Banjo.
I hear she was toying with Harpsichord. Middle name, Accordion.
The Daniel Baldwin progeny? Atticus. The Gwen Stefani heir? Zuma.
And what’s with grown-ups? Picture elderly Grandma hanging out the window yelling: “50 Cent, I’m throwing down 60 cents for bread.”
Will.i.am? Born William James Adams? Something wrong with the name Adams? Worked for two presidents and one fascinating columnist.
CeeLo Green? Born Thomas DeCarlo Calloway. Something wrong with the name Calloway? Worked for the ’30s bandleader Cab.
Christopher Brian Bridges picked something ludicrous. He’s now Ludacris.
Eminem? Puffed up Puff Daddy? Pearl Jam? Shaffer Smith, who shafted birthname Shaffer to become known as Ne-Yo? Why? Irving was taken? How about Melvin?
True, Thomas Mapother IV would look lousy on a marquee so we don’t begrudge Tom Cruise. But Meat Loaf? Snoop Dogg? Funkmaster Flex, who’s earned so much money that he’s starting his own college, Funk U?
Anyone with half a brain unstoned knows the basketball hotshot born Daron Oshay couldn’t dribble through life unless his jersey read Mookie Blaylock. We talking Black Sabbath? Black Eyed Peas? Lady Gaga? Lady Antebellum?
How about Fabolous? Flo Rida. And when your wild oats turn to shredded wheat and you not only plunk your teeth in a glass but your gums, too, how better to be known than as Flavor Flav?
To rep her piano keys, Alicia Keys changed from the legit surname Cook. But another singer’s birth certificate that must’ve been written on confetti was officially Aliaune Damala Bouga Time Puru Nacka Lu Lu Lu Badara Akon Thiam. Imagine his kindergarten teacher doing a roll call? He’s now plain Akon.
Artis Leon Ivey Jr. osmosed into Coolio.
Check the roster: Ice T. Rolling Stones. U2. Sex Pistols. Nirvana. ’N Sync. Blondie. Abba. Aerosmith. Backstreet Boys. Run-DMC. Timbaland. Megadeath. Lil’ Kim. Moby. Pussycat Dolls. Fleetwood Mac. Foo Fighters. Guns N’ Roses. The Beatles. Jefferson Starship.
Yvette Marie Stevens, honoring the ’70s black power movement, emerged as Chaka Khan.
Assuming your mama slapped on you Andre Ronelle Young, how else could you ever be known except as Dr. Dre. I mean, that’s a given, right?
Of course there exist nicknames like Shaq. Even A-Rod, whose name is right now on the lips of many — but, then again, so are cold sores.
The Mia Farrow/Woody Allen/Frank Sinatra (take your pick) son — who now answers to Ronan. A few sexual headlines ago Woody named him Satchel. Why Satchel? Who knows. Maybe Man’s Handbag was taken.
My favorite is actor Big Boy Barry. I don’t know what he’s acting in. I don’t care. Imagine signing your tax return Big Boy Barry? The guy’s legal moniker is — ready? Elderberry Frumpbucket. So, OK, he needed to change it. But how about maybe Cranberry Frumpbucket? Strawberry Frumpbucket? Blueberry Frumpbucket? Blackberry Frumpbucket?
Listen, if he craves a nom de plume could also be Apricot Frumpbucket.
I now wait for Penn Jillette’s kid to get his name inscribed in Graumann’s Chinese Theater cement. The name? Moxie Crime Fighter Jillette.