PEOPLE are growling that our street signs and official documents should also be in Spanish. That America should operate with a second language. Yeah? How about getting back to our first language? English.
When’s the last time anyone used antiquated phrases like how are you … thank you very much … it would be my pleasure. Qué pasa with such words as please or sir? Whatever happened to Do you mind if … ?
“Hello” has been replaced by “Hi.” “Good evening” is now “Yo, bro.”
In days of yore, “cougar” signified a predatory beast. With a healthy appetite. Still does. Only now this animal has two legs, varicose veins and its red meat lives in.
Remember when “a snow job” meant a shovel?
“Grass” was what you mowed?
“High” signified look up?
“Blow” brought to mind a breeze.
“Nuke” had zero to do with a microwave.
The word “dope” once caused teachers to make you spend time after class. Now dope causes judges to make you spend time in the can.
“Text?” Open a book to learn something.
“Program?” What you watched on the telly.
“Apple?” Keeps the doctor away.
“A rat’s ass?” Carrie Fisher’s look in tight jeans.
“Bust.” A lousy idea, not a rubbery implant.
“Beta” was a Greek letter.
“Desktop” was just that — the top of a desk. And “wallpaper” was just that — the covering of a wall.
“Roach.” When you saw the thing you stepped on it, you didn’t light it up.
“Blimp.” Big plane, not big behind.
“Wired.” Too much electricity not too much java.
“Java.” Program language.
“Action.” Start the movie not the girl.
“Windows.” Meant glass not screens.
“Burn.” Once used colloquially as in “Don’t ruin the toast.” Now: Create a CD-ROM.
In modern days, “rock” determines something’s great.
Got a “virus?” Years ago, you got a thermometer. In 2011, you get a techie.
“Totalled?” Forget add up as in a bill. Think smashed up as in a car.
“Schmuck.” What I once dated. Today it’s in the title of a movie.
“Mother f**ker.” What formerly got a mouth washed out with soap has osmosed into the title of a play.
“Shot down.” We’re talking a target, not an idea.
“Post” is send a message.
“Vibes” is feeling.
“Mouse” no longer brings to mind a gray rodent.
“Spook” calls up a CIA mole.
“Mole” used to call up a small growth.
We talking the word “app”?
How about “chatter” before the FBI eavesdropped on jihadists.
In the good old days, “cell” made you think of Madoff’s permanent home.
“Scarf” was a noun. You wore it on your neck. Scarf has since graduated to a verb. As in vacuum up everything on your plate.
“Split.” Forget the dance step. Think J.Lo and (soon-to-be-former) Mr. J.Lo.
Webster is out with an updated lexicon:
“Sandwich generation.” Children on one side, grandparents on the other.
“Frenemy.” Think of those unreal Hausfrau pogroms.
“Buttload.” A really large amount. Like what “Two and a Half Men” bigmouth housekeeper Conchata Ferrell stuffs into her pantyhose.
“Waterboarding.” We all know what that is.
The human condition brings us “drama queen.” Also “Unibrow.” Also sentences like: She’s using that walker as her “beard.”
Adjectives nowadays include fantastical. E-mailable.
“Remote.” Accessing a tired husband? Naaah. Accessing a computer? Yeah.
“Staycation” refers to staying home instead of springing for a trip. As the economy worsens, the word popularizes.
How about “global warming?”
“Carbon footprint?”
“Earmark”?
“Ream”: Formerly an amount of paper. Currently what your ungrateful boss might like to do to you.
“Trash”: Formerly to put the plastic rubbish and paper rubbish in the proper bins. Currently, to throw the body in the river.
“Red hot”: Formerly a fire. Currently Kim Kardashian. Previously Paris Hilton. Hopefully Katie Couric. Eventually Selena Gomez.
Bent: Getting out of shape.
Ringtone. I don’t even know what it meant before.
Showing up in the Collegiate dictionary is Cardioprotective. I think this means double cheeseburger, fries and ketchup, Coca-Cola, a chocolate shake with whipped cream, and, just so you shouldn’t fall away, side order of pecan pie topped with a scoop of vanilla plus sprinkles. To speed things up, this is best eaten directly in the emergency room of Mount Sinai to best avoid the later trip.
Hey, I go back to the days when education meant: “What you spend years getting so you can work for whoever has none.” Orgy: “Group therapy.” Russia: “Where a man can talk his head off.” Philanthropist: “Returning publicly what you stole privately.” Stock market: “Like a French dignitary. Touching new bottoms too often.” Social Security: “Guaranteeing a steak when your teeth are all gone.” Bank: “A place you can borrow money if you can prove you don’t need it.” Untold wealth: “What the IRS hasn’t yet found.”
And may linguists all honor the current mantra “Yes, we can.” It’s a US idiom invented by Obama.