Thanksgiving is a day to spend with loved ones to share our gratitude for all the good things we enjoyed the past year. I just wish I had bigger table, and a bigger turkey, to invite some other people.
Bill de Blasio would be most welcome. We would certainly avoid discussing politics. I’d like to see if the rumor is true that he is really an inch or two taller than the 6-foot-5 he says he is. The mayor-elect supposedly understates his height because he’s a man of the people — little people who aren’t strikingly tall. And his son, Dante, can bring his Afro.
I’d love to get Alec Baldwin at a table with Chris Brown, Charlie Sheen and Toronto’s crack-smoking mayor Rob Ford, to see who would lose their temper first. Paparazzi would be invited to hover about, taking photos of the Anger Management Hall of Fame while they ate their bird.
I’d like to invite Liza Minnelli, and tell her how much we love her and are glad she’s a survivor, with talent to burn.
Lady Gaga, come on down. My daughter’s a big fan, and you might need cheering up, what with the dismal sales of your latest album “Artpop.” As Roger Friedman observed, “Gaga tried to shove the art world down the throats of the fans. They didn’t want it, and they were confused by it.”
I’d love to pass the cranberry sauce to Jon Corzine, so some of his luck could rub off on me. What else but good luck can explain how he’s avoided prosecution after more than a billion dollars of his clients’ funds at MF Global went missing?
Seats of honor would be reserved for Sean Penn and Madonna, who reunited in Haiti this week to do charity work. The Material Girl was said to be “giddy” in his company, and Thanksgiving is special because their marriage ended in 1989, after they had a fight and he reportedly tied her to a chair, leaving her trussed up like a turkey. Love is lovelier the second time around, or so said Frank Sinatra.
I’d love to break corn bread with designer Thom Browne, so I could ask him how he has convinced some seemingly sane men to wear his skinny suits, with high-water cuffs and big clown shoes. Julian Niccolini, who used to look so sharp in Brioni, wears Browne suits every day at Four Seasons, but no one would describe the charming Niccolini as sane.
It would be great to share some stuffing with Dennis Rodman, so I could ask him if he shoots hoops with Kim Jong-un — and if he is smart enough to let the dear leader win. Dennis is still breathing, so I guess we know the answer.
Joe Manganiello would also get an invitation. The werewolf from “True Blood” could sit next to my beautiful wife and keep her amused. He wouldn’t have to say much. On her other flank would be German actor Til Schweiger, for his looks; Tommy Lee Jones, for his voice; or Bill Murray, for laughs.
I’d like to ask Gov. Andrew Cuomo’s girlfriend, Sandra Lee, what tricks she used to domesticate Cuomo, who was said to be a serial lady-killer before he met the foodie networker.
Who wouldn’t want jovial Rev. Al Sharpton over? The newly svelte provocateur wouldn’t eat too much as he gives thanks that the IRS doesn’t come after him for the $3.5 million he owes in personal income taxes.
I’d love to pass the gravy to Mayor Bloomberg, who has never spent a night in Gracie Mansion, and suggest he have a slumber party there before he goes, and invite me to sleep over.
If James Dolan came, I wouldn’t berate him over the sorry state of the Knicks — I’d just ask him to sing one of the songs that his band, JD and the Straight Shot, has been performing as the opening act for the Eagles. For real.
I’d like to include the humanitarian Angelina Jolie, and beg her to loosen up and give us a little of that old blood-letting, brother-smooching Angie we all miss.
I’d pass some pumpkin pie to Tony Rodham, and ask him how he came up with the brilliant idea of charging foreigners to help get them visas from the State Department while the Número Uno at the State Department was — hello! — his big sister, Hillary Rodham Clinton.
I’d love to dine with Jeff Koons, whose childish sculpture of a dog-shaped balloon just sold for $58 million, and ask him if he is tempted to create 10 or 20 more.
Matt Lauer is welcome, but only if he wears his “Baywatch” Halloween costume. The “Today” show host looked great in Pam Anderson’s red one-piece. Cue ZZ Top: “She’s got legs.”
I’d invite Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart, but if I did, no one would laugh at my feeble jokes.
I’d give John Galliano some turkey, and find out if he still believes in free speech.
I’d like to serve Kanye West two slices of my mom’s delicious pie — humble pie.
And I’d love to dine with Alessandra Ambrosio. Just because.