Last night Billy Crystal reopened “700 Sundays.” Any changes from when he first did it in 2005?
“Can’t update something centered around 1963. I freshened it, added new media, quickened the pace. Humor’s different now. It’s been happening for years. The pace factor changed. But I never did today’s style of vulgarity. I find it uncomfortable. Some of the torchbearers I like are Chris Rock, Louis C.K.
“I started reading this again in 2009. I’d find myself mouthing its words in the car, the shower. Testing my brain in odd places.
“Trying it out now in Minneapolis, I did, however, blow some lines. Talking about a car we had, I called it the wrong car. Wasn’t even the name of any car we had.
“This show for me is exciting. I love how it feels up there. That feeling of power. Audiences scream, women cry, men cough. Really great is when it’s quiet. Laughs are terrific with 1,400 people in the Imperial, but in total silence you know they’re listening. They’re with you. You feel you’re reaching them.
“I’ll never understand how once in a while you get a bad audience. What is that? They all called one another? A thousand humans got together to decide not to be a good audience? It’s a plot? They met before to agree?”
And the stamina it takes for eight a week?
“Very exhausting. The theater has a gym. I get there two hours early, work out, do stretching for 45 minutes. Then I get dressed. I’m up 8:30 in the morning. I stretch, have a light breakfast, do e-mails, work on a pilot I’m doing in February and a movie I’m directing. Then I take a nap. I don’t talk much. Dinner’s around 4:30.
“When the curtain’s down friends come backstage. After the show, we go out for a bite.
“The job is to stay healthy and physically fit. It’s very demanding.”
Where they are
Bruce Willis and daughter at his agent’s West 57th office . . . Everybody’s into B’way musicals. Neil Sedaka’s writing the songs, not the book. Next week, Marilyn Michaels and son Mark Wilk’s reading of their “Alysha.” “It’s a black Bronx girl wanting ‘American Idol’ stardom. It’s ‘The Wiz’ meets ‘Alice in Wonderland.’ ” . . . New publication called the Harlem Times just made its debut.
Modern celibacy here
Teri Hatcher went four years sexless following her first marital breakup. “I thought about a male hooker. It’s like getting your carpet cleaned. If there’s one spot they didn’t get out, maybe you could say, ‘I’m not paying you.’ Truth is, so many fabulous toys out there, I didn’t know what I needed a man for.”
Goings on
Comedy writer Jeff Gurian did a video for a Susie Essman honor. “Where’s a fitting place to shower Susie’s praise? I filmed it in a men’s room.”. . . Composer Alan Menken getting lauded Dec. 9. Hudson Theatre. Liz Callaway and Stephen Schwartz entertain. In person. Not from a gents urinal . . . At “A Gentleman’s Guide to Love and Murder” preview, Daniel Radcliffe led the standing ovation.
What I hear
Minus the husband, Rachel Weisz grabbed a bite at Bond 45 before hitting her B’way show “Betrayal” . . . Yo-Yo Ma’s favorite app? “Zite. It follows neuroscience news”. . . Pay attention. It’s the Jimmy Kimmel, Whoopi Goldberg, Ryan Gosling, Anne Hathaway birthday week . . . More: “The Knickerbocker Suite” Dec. 13 to 15 has NYC stuff like Miss Liberty, the Met, Macy’s.
Trippy postage
I may be the first to inform you that cutting-edge Washington’s putting out a new ’60s-ish stamp bearing Timothy Leary’s face. After you lick it, the envelope stays home and you go on a trip . . .
From a jock: “Every time I see that chick she starts looking more expensive.”
Only in New York, kids, only in New York.