Kiddies, mother is bringing the class together. Today’s lesson is the word “scapegoat.”
Bible history says it’s a goat upon whose head the ancients’ sins were symbolically visited.
Webster’s dictionary says it’s a singled-out entity upon which is heaped unmerited negative.
My own tattered thesaurus says it’s he/she/it/that/they/them who bears the blame for others.
A simpleton like me recognizes that it’s simply a fall guy. A goat. Victim, butt, fool, dupe, mark, monkey, el jerko.
In Washingtonese the synonym is “Boehner.” Or “That dumbass who won’t let our blessed beloved country fall into the sewer.” Or “Republican.” Try “Congress.”
Listen, everybody’s got to dump on somebody. Adam loaded it onto Eve. Eve stuck it to the serpent. Cain was not nice to Abel.
Fast-forward. Manti Te’o sniveled a friend screwed him.
Gang Green’s Rex Ryan swears he himself did not crash into another car in Pennsylvania, his red Mustang did it.
That guy claiming his footlong subs are short? Wrong. Subway’s position is his fingers are long.
Lehman Brothers’ plop pinned the tail on the housing bubble, rich bankers, huge bonuses, hedge-fund mismanagers, downturn, rash decisions, short sellers, chief executives who were so cheap they still have the same hundred million they ever made. So many types that Lehman Brothers should have been christened Lehman Country.
Hillary to the Senate Foreign Relations committee: “Who? Me?”
Beyoncé, whose voice returned when burbling to Obama: “It’s whatsisname Schumer’s fault.”
Lance Armstrong, whom everybody but Lance Armstrong hates: “Oprah. I blame the whole thing on Oprah.” And Oprah: “Oy, if I could only find my own network, I’d be fine.”
Chuck Hagel sticks it to the Israelis. The Arabs shove it up Netanyahu.
Our temporary new Miss America, whateverthehell’s her name, dissed Marty Markowitz’s borough and moved her tiara and her behind out of Brooklyn.
Taylor Swift names Joe Jonas, John Mayer, Jake Gyllenhaal, Taylor Lautner, Harry Styles, kindergarten kid Conor, Cory Monteith, a sexy partridge in a pear tree and every member of the Boy Scouts of America.
Steve Jobs’ shiny Apple, now becoming Applesauce, is putting the pox on shareholders.
Jamie Dimon, biggest piggy in JP Morgan’s piggy bank, opened a fortune cookie and found a bankruptcy note in it. His attitude? “Oh, please — what’s a lousy $6 billion?!” May his clients reply: “One way to save face is to keep the lower half shut.”
Wake the Oscars hierarchy and ask why Ben Affleck’s four-star “Argo” got no Best Director nomination, and it’s: “Please, we’re still watching ‘Casablanca.’ Ben who?”
Katie Holmes: “I’m a great actress. Unfortunately, Broadway’s critics faced the stage.”
Mel Gibson, an unwanted child at birth who probably had to take a bus home from the hospital: “My problem is the media.”
John Liu, who knows money can’t buy happiness but it sure goes a long way toward the down payment: “My problem is the media.”
Cheater Mark Sanford, South Carolina’s ex-governor who believes the only happy people are married men and single women: “My problem is the media.”
Gen. Petraeus, who now has a combination lock on his zipper: “I was never told you can’t do this kind of thing.”
Sammy “The Bull” Gravano: “It’s sad that you can’t trust nobody.”
Genesis to Buckingham, DeMedicis to Reality TV, it’s our creator needing the devil, Sherlock Holmes needing Professor Moriarty, James Bond needing “Goldfinger.”
And leave us not forget that Henry the VIII was not really nice to his wives.
Costa Concordia’s captain. In Vegas he lost his car, watch, wallet — everything but his good-luck charm. Looking up from the lifeboat, this born loser yelled: “Who stuck that damn rock there?”
Charlie Campbell, former “Literary Review” editor, who’s written “Scapegoat: A History of Blaming Other People,” reminds us Helen of Troy was blamed for the bloodshed of the Trojan War. Actually, Rielle thought the one who lost the Trojan War was baby-maker John Edwards.
You all remember Rielle — forever to be known by the company that keeps her.
With most men, a lie is a last resort. With European politicians, it’s first aid. May all remember France’s great statesman DSK, who never goes back on his word without consulting his lawyer.
So, who knows?
Maybe there’s a reason for a scapegoat, fall guy, victim, butt, fool, dupe, mark, monkey, el jerko. May the Oval Office occupant learn that the person who agrees with him will lie about other things, too.