Children I have been to the Mountaintop. And survived. And now share my story.
You maybe read MTV’s “Jersey Shore” bunch are currently in South Beach filming their Season 2. You maybe read in Page Six that paparazzi, TV lenses, 20 security guards and two police cars are escorting “Snooki” Polizzi and her pack.
What you didn’t read is that their farewell evening was in my home.
Following a troop of monitors and handlers, in came three young kids. And I loved them.
Snooki, who is 4-foot-9 and wore open-toed heels bordering on circus stilts, said: “You can really call me Nicole, which is my real name and which nobody uses, and which I wish they did.” She carried an Ed Hardy studded skin handbag, which was larger than she was and had something going on with every part of it. “They gave it to me. We all got a chance to go to his warehouse. We now get clothes shipped to us.”
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So where in Jersey did you all meet, I asked as Mike “The Situation” sat down with a plate of food on his lap. “Nobody’s from Jersey,” he said, spooning up the tuna that had already landed on my rug. “I’m a New Yorker, Snooki lives in Poughkeepsie and Pauly D‘s from Providence.”
So how is it you were all friends and could get on this “Jersey Shore” together?
“We weren’t friends. Didn’t know one another,” said Pauly D, whose earrings were larger than mine. “MTV guys were looking for types. My face is on MySpace, and one day my computer told me to leave certain people my contact information. They said they’d come to Rhode Island and film me. OK.”
Mike The Situation, with a brand-new plate of food: “I’m the first one they found. I was a personal trainer, and they saw fitness photos of me in my underwear. It had been a bad time for me. I’d just broken up with my girlfriend, who’d been cheating on me. And suddenly I get this contract. So I went with a friend to this nightclub to celebrate, and a girl went by and touched my abs and said, ‘Look at this situation’ and that’s how the name The Situation stuck.” Mike The Situation then — holding aloft my Tiffany plate — voluntarily rolled up his shirt to show me his abs. It was sweet. And if you’re into abs, nice. I was more interested in my Tiffany plate and just grateful his outstanding part wasn’t his behind.
Said Snooki: “And you know something? We now love one another. This is all so new we can hardly believe it. I was always a daddy’s girl. I never lived alone. It was always sort of a sheltered life, except that I’d done some sort of TV thing before, which these MTV guys saw. My boyfriend and I had just broken up, so things weren’t so wonderful, and then all of a sudden this came along. My father’s happy for me. My mother’s a little more conservative.
“I don’t cook. I’m an eater. I’m not a morning person. I like to party at night. And don’t anybody mess with my hair. I guess the MTV guys noticed I like to be the center of attention, and when I’m not I don’t know how to handle it. So I was a little nervous during the taping.”
Then, expressively using her hands with the white-tipped foot-long nails that went from here to eternity: “And now we’ve become a family bond.”
The Situation: “Snooki and I call each other all the time.”
Pauly D: “See, they had a simple idea. A lot of kids will rent out a shore house in Jersey and room maybe with four guys and three girls. So that’s what they did. We weren’t best friends. They just threw us all together and said, ‘Be yourselves.’ The main thing is we became for-real like brothers and sisters. The Situation was the food shopper because he’s good at cooking and used to be in an Italian restaurant. Me, I’d set the table and I ended up the cleaner-upper.”
Snooki: “And I just wanted to have a good time. We basically all had the same personality. East Coast New York smartasses.”
The Situation: “I’m 100 percent Italian. I’d cook every day. Like real chicken with pasta and broccoli. Sautéed asparagus. Cutlets. Lobster.”
At which point this dude who took care of the food? His plate of devilled eggs hit the same patch of rug on which his previous plate of tuna still bore remnants.
I looked at this sweet actually lovable trio of young 20-something kids. Half the world is crazed to meet them. The other half doesn’t even know them. Yet they’re so hot, it’s easier to reach Khadafy. I had to invoke the help of my TV friend Linda Stasi to get through to them.
My housekeeper didn’t know who the hell they were or why they were over in the first place crapping up her rug. Others I know would have trampled me to death to get to them.
“I used to be involved in cheerleading competition. We’re not anybody,” said Snooki. “Just normal people who others can relate to. No matter we got some fame. These people have been really good to us.
“We’ve got two months of shooting coming up. They don’t give us makeup or wardrobe. But, listen, we’re all grateful. And then it’s vacation time for us until it goes on the air next season. Look, my parents are tight. Unfortunately, with my schedule I now can’t see them as much as I’d like. But my whole goal in life at this point is not to be famous but to take as much money from this as I can and pay off my parents’ house.”
The Situation: “My father’s not well. I’m helping him.”
Pauly D: “With my money I’m taking care of the family.”
Meantime Leo DiCaprio asked to meet The Situation and told him, “You’re one of our biggest names today.” P. Diddy personally phoned Snooki to offer advice and tell her, “Don’t trust anyone.” And Pauly D, who now has a hair-gel business (“I gave some to Ashton Kutcher“), made me feel his gelled curls, which were as tough as metal screws. I mean, fortunately, Snooki was the only one who didn’t want me to feel any of her various parts. And as they left my housekeeper whispered: “Tell me again who they are?”