CELEBRITIES smell.
The Hollywood Hills are alive with the aroma of perfume. A film bombs, a memoir tanks, a career flops and there’s the scent of a career going sour. The next move? Fire your agent? Go into politics? Dump your husband? Get a reality show? No. Put out a fragrance.
Everybody’s hustling:
Once June Allyson did Depends. June’s gone. But depend on Depends. Lisa Rinna depends on income from them today. Mark Wahlberg nee Marky Mark made his mark in CK underwear. Brooke Shields’ zipper never zipped between her and her Calvins. And leave us not forget Sen. Bob Dole, who talked up Viagra, although nobody so far has talked up Mrs. Dole.
The Olsen twins do Tween stuff. Russell Simmons has Phat Farm funk. Missy Elliott? Paid by Adidas. Gwen Stefani? An L.A.M.B. line. Sarah Jessica’s shmattas are called Bitten. Sienna Miller’s Twenty8Twelve are low-priced threads. Selena Gomez runs from Justin Boober in her Kmart Dream Out Loud clothes. Demi Lovato? Sonny Munroe clothing.
Tennis outfits? Serena Williams fronts Aneres, her name spelled backwards. Yoga? Christy Turlington’s designs are by Puma.
Charlize Theron’s name’s on denim behinds. It’s Victoria Beckham clothes, P. Diddy shmattas, Katie Holmes whatevers, Trump ties, bras, anythings. Keira Knightley for Chanel. Despite home-boy pants, shlumpy sweaters, haberdashery shirts and mannish haircuts, Ellen DeGeneres is a fashionista.
Jaclyn Smith sells in Kmart. Hilary Duff wardrobe’s by Hilary Duff. Fetish is by Eve. G-Unit by 50 Cent. Mblem by Mandy Moore. B-Rude by Boy George, if both are still around. Stiletto Killers by Kelly Osbourne. William Rast is Justin Timberlake’s collection.
A Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jackie Chan, Michael Jordan, Cuba Gooding Jr., Kevin Bacon, Christina Applegate, Marisa Tomei army marches for Hanes.
Queen Latifah pushes Outlast lipcolor in 88 shades. Even if your mouth is the size of Vesuvius, who needs 88 shades? Whateverthehell Glow Bronzer Powder is, one dab and, supposedly, skin like a lizard’s will shine, sheen and show like Dolce & Gabbana spokesactress Scarlett Johansson.
Gwyneth — ask not Gwyneth who? — winneth. She drums for something called Butter London. Better than Food London. Have you ever eaten there?
Cindy Crawford blabs about furniture bargains and how for only $1.40 you can decorate a hotel with enough left over to furnish the garage, attic, basement and your mother-in-law’s cage. She also swears for Dr. Sebagh’s anti-aging cream/serum/lotion/salve.
Shove the Vaseline. Pop singer Pink pops for CoverGirl’s Lip Perfection Jumbo Gloss Balm fortified with mango.
The big deal is fragrance. Including juice from Ivanka, you can now sniff 1,160 celebrity brands:
Amazon.com lists Mariah Carey’s $42.50 eau de parfum at $10.59. It’s called M. Just plain M. Like Minaj. Also she’s partnered with OPI for “sand-textured nail polish.” The better to shake Nicki Minaj’s claw.
Taylor Swift’s 1-ounce $39.50 Wonderstruck got zapped to $24.84. Figures if she couldn’t keep her 800 boyfriends, spray Citronella.
Eva Mendes is atomizerette for Thierry Mugler’s Angel shpritz. Also she’s spoken for Cocio chocolate milk, Harrod’s Seductive Lingerie, Cartier jewelry, Reebok Easytone Trainers, Campari Aperitif, Pantene Shampoo, Vida Home Decor, Macy’s bedding, clothing by something named Peek & Cloppenburg and in her spare time she collects spare change as Pleasure Ambassador for Magnum Ice cream.
Drew Barrymore pushes CoverGirl’s Lashblast Fusion Mascara. Olivia Wilde is It for Revlon. Emma Stone guarantees Nearly Naked Makeup. Jessica Biel’s behind or in front of Revlon.
Katy Perry’s spray is Purr. Shakira’s is S by Shakira. Paris Hilton, who seems to have gone the way of Paris real estate, has eau de parfum called — ready? — Women’s Can Can. Jessica Simpson’s “Vintage” gives free shipping.
Britney Spears’ Fantasy Twist is $21.50. Most go by the ounce. Faith Hill takes no chances. Her 1.7-ounce is only $16.19. She and Tim McGraw duet with Coty’s Soul2Soul. Celine Dion’s eau de toilette — $1.25.
Salvatore Ferragamo’s latest sniff Signorina guarantees “a hint of audacity,” whatever that means. Tom Ford’s got Violet Blonde Perfume. It’s Zoe Kravitz for Vera Wang fragrance Princess. Donna Karan’s got Cashmere Mist. The place for drawers and thongs advertises Victoria’s Secret Bombshell In Love eau de parfum in grapefruit, raspberry and pear aromas. By the time you pronounce that whole thing, the guy’s already started without you.
Reese Witherspoon, whose latest mate proves she’s in bloom, sells Avon’s In Bloom. Lindsay Lohan has FCUK. That’s its name. Beyoncé’s red and gold bottle — part orchid, magnolia, peach, honey and nectar — is Heat. Liv Tyler does L’Oréal.
Kim Kardashian smells all by herself.