On February 17 Britney Spears will release the music video for “Hold It Against Me,” her 29th since bursting onto the scene with 1998’s “…Baby One More Time.” To stoke the fires of fan-ticipation, Britney has been releasing 10 second teasers for the last two weeks, working her admirers (yours truly included) into an appropriately obsessed lather.
From what I can gleam, the finished product will be a slick, futuristic, extravagant affair with no expense spared. But how will “Hold It Against Me” compare to what’s come before? In an attempt to take some of the guesswork out, PopWrap looked back at all of Miss Brit’s previous music videos and, using a very Catholic schoolgirl friendly system, graded them accordingly!
“Toxic” ~ A+
Why: Marrying an amazing concept with slick direction, killer choreography and one of her best songs ever, the 2003 music video for “Toxic” features Britney at the top of her game in every single way.
Memorable Moment: The stewardess boob honk
“…Baby One More Time” ~ A
Why: Visually, the schoolgirl aesthetic is Britney’s most memorable look as well as the reason most mothers still don’t like her. Her star quality seeps through every frame and this video only missed out on the top spot because she still had a little growing to do (and that’s not just a boob joke).
Memorable Moment: That weird way she over-pronounces her “L’s” on “killin’ me” and “I still believe” while sitting in the convertible.
“I’m A Slave 4 U” ~ A
Why: Britney was always sexy, but the sweat and sin video for this club thumper was the first — but definitely not the last — time her libido became the driving force behind a concept.
Memorable Moment: The sweaty pile of bodies that undulate on the breathy chorus
“Me Against The Music” ~ A
Why: It’s freakin’ Madonna and Britney playing Marco Polo is a lumber warehouse that doubles as an after-hours rave. Nuff said.
Memorable Moment: The freaky yoga moves Madonna repeatedly busts out.
“Circus” ~ A
Why: Songs about the pitfalls involved with being a public personality permeate Britney’s music — and this list. The literal circus that takes center stage in this big top spot trumps her other less subtle “woe is me” videos.
Memorable Moment: The clip’s closing laugh — a brief moment of realness in an otherwise fantastical world.
“Stronger” ~ A-
Why: Eschewing her typical army of backup dancers, Britney let her skills stand alone in this visually intoxicating video for her first true empowerment anthem.
Memorable Moment: The entire chair routine
“Everytime” ~ B+
Why: As with “Circus,” Britney’s real life once again gets mined for her music and there is something about the quiet audio juxtaposed with the visual violence that meshes perfectly, resulting in us bringing empathy to her pity party.
Memorable Moment: Wishing MTV didn’t make her tack on that last moment of survival
“Oops, I Did It Again” ~ B+
Why: Britney’s first video with “real money” is a smorgasbord of special effects, sets, costumes and editing — but as we’ve learned time and again, you can never have too much of a good thing when it comes to Britney.
Memorable Moment: Practicing the chorus’ iconic dance moves (the heart box!) in your living room
“Womanizer” ~ B+
Why: Revisiting her “Toxic” trio theory five years later resulted in another conceptually amazing video, but her danceability had taken a hit in that time.
Memorable Moment: Sauna singing
“Don’t Let Me Be The Last To Know” ~ B
Why: Taking a page out of Chris Isaak’s “Wicked Games” playbook, Britney also hired Herb Ritts to shoot her steamy seaside smooching session.
Memorable Moment: The guy. Definitely.
“Drive Me Crazy” ~ B
Why: If bubble gum pop had a visual definition, this would be it — bright colors, brighter smiles, neon lights, group dancing and the stars of a teen movie (“Drive Me Crazy’s” Melissa Joan Hart and a pre-“Entourage” Adrian Grenier).
Memorable Moment: The very intentional shot down Britney’s shirt when she bends on her chair.
“I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman ~ B-
Why: A simple song, a straight-forward concept and stunning shots of the Arizona desert combine for one of her most visually striking, but slightly boring, music video.
Memorable Moment: Those jeans. My god, the jeans
“Piece of Me” ~ B-
Why: An excellent rebound from the multi-platform trainwreck that was “Gimme More,” this video eschews any metaphors and delivers a direct blow to the industry that built her up and broke her down.
Memorable Moment: Wondering if she’s really that self-aware
“If You Seek Amy” ~ C+
Why: Great audio concept that is stripped of all innuendo and mystique with a very literal and not terribly creative music video.
Memorable Moments: Her transition from whore to homemaker
“Lucky” ~ C+
Why: Britney’s first Hollywood cautionary tale video didn’t seem quite as telling at the time, but with a little distance, the lyrics and concept seem so much sadder.
Memorable Moment: So many sparkles to throw, so little time
“My Prerogative” ~ C+
Why: The song starts with, “they say I’m crazy, I really don’t care” but by the time this 2004 music video debuted, Britney really should have since she was less than a year from the start of her downward spiral. However, the mayhem filled video is more interesting than fans give it credit for.
Memorable Moment: Get outta here, Kevin Federline!
“Boys” ~ C
Why: With a near move for move Janet-esque dance breakdown I can’t figure out why no one had the time to make this seem like a fun party to crash.
Memorable Moments: Austin Powers! DJ Qualls! Zebras!
“Sometimes” ~ C
Why: Music videos for ballads have never been Britney’s strong suit and that’s been true since her first one ever, for this saccharine sweet song, with equally sugary dance moves.
Memorable Moments: Were Sketchers and pajama pants really a popular look in 1999?
“From the Bottom of My Broken Heart” & Born To Make You Happy” ~ C-
Why: Chalk these back-to-back bombs up to not knowing better as they come from 1999, when Britney was still learning the ropes.
Memorable Moments: Playing fashion police with the various oversized sweater capes, hats, silver ensembles and pleather skirts Brit wears while frolicking around.
“Radar” ~ C-
Why: Lazy and uninspired “homage” to Madonna’s endlessly artistic “Take A Bow.”
Memorable Moment: Wondering how many times Britney referenced “Pretty Woman” when filming the hat-tastic polo scenes.
“Three” ~ C-
Why: Style over substance — and there isn’t much substance when it comes to the dancing here either.
Memorable Moments: Her body in that white unitard.
“I Love Rock N’ Roll” ~ D
Why: As if abusing one of Joan Jett’s most iconic songs wasn’t bad enough, she also recycles one of Lenny Kravitz’s old sets.
Memorable Moment: Opting to watch Britney perform this song in “Crossroads” and marveling at just how far Zoe Saldana has come.
“Overprotected” ~ D
Why: Wish I could escape from this music video, like Britney does the world, and take up refuge in a warehouse filled with the most random chairs, chaise lounges and carousel horses in hopes of never watching this video again,
Memorable Moments: The uncharacteristically bad choreography
“Do Somethin'” ~ D-
Why: Completely all over the place, this video looks like it was directed by someone without a clue of how to properly construct a music video. Then you realize it was co-directed by Britney.
Memorable Moment: Britney driving through the clouds in a pink Hummer.
“Someday” ~ D-
Why: The fact that this video debuted on UPN during a commercial break from “Britney & Kevin: Chaotic” should tell you everything you need to know about this religion heavy ode to a then-pregnant Britney’s unborn child.
Memorable Moment: Blaming the pregnancy hormones
“Gimme More” ~ F
Why: Lazy, sloppy and unattractive, both the video and Britney weren’t up to snuff in this 2007 embarrassment that casts the pudgy pop princess as a stripper and the be-wigged woman obsessing over her. It’s too bad everything associated with the song turned out to be such a hot mess because the track itself is pretty damn good.
Memorable Moment: When it ends.
“NOTE: We didn’t count 2007’s “Break The Ice” because it stars a cartoon version of Britney — but it’s gorgeous, watch here!
What is your favorite Britney video of all time?