Marlon Wayans. Going the wayans of all top comics. He and brother Shawn do “A funny thing happened to me on the way to Carolines for the New York Comedy Festival” Nov. 8 to 11.
“I did this Comedy Central thing years back,” said Marlon. “Write the material myself. It’s real life. How I see things. My take on me. On the world. Politics, partners, parenting. Look, I’m the youngest of 10. Since I’m 8 I’ve watched these comedians. It’s my baby steps.
“I dabbled in stand-up at 18, then gave it up because I wanted to act on TV. But I love being here. I love the Yankees. My heart’s in New York. I love New York. They punch you in the face, then they’re your best friends.
“I used to be nervous. Like I played the Garden. Then I was nervous. My real love is stand-up. I’ve worked coffee houses, underground places, the Comedy Store and Ha Ha Club in LA.
“I don’t dig cameras in comedy joints. Celebrities must be more sensitive. Opinions get them in trouble. Cameras need you to be responsible for each take. A comedian has to be offensive. Censoring can destroy you. Like riding a horse. You got to give a kick in the ribs sometimes.
“Can’t take offense for everyone. Cameras should be the hell out. Seeing them I worry somebody’ll end up taking my ass home. Don’t like what I said? F – – k it. In the old days, offensive Don Rickles would be on CNN apologizing every week.
“When somebody’s out to get you, they’ll destroy a whole race to get you just to say you’re sorry for the innocent. Michael Richards of ‘Seinfeld’ did a racist line, and they murdered him.
“TV’s killed the best comics. Listen, Socrates had to develop. Takes time to be perfect, otherwise what you’re doing is crap. That’s my thing, so don’t like it — f – – k it. Imagine Picasso having to apologize for every sketch. Suppose watching Picasso in his early days and telling him, ‘Man, that’s s – – t.’
“Of course, I don’t use the dictionary like I used to. I’m creating more ‘F’ and ‘S’ four-letter words. If I say start the word ‘shucks,’ it comes out as s – – t.
“If it’s not the best set ever, if your killer bits don’t cut it, keep going, work until you make them laugh. Try the same material or maybe change the setup. If it’s a heckler, look at the positive. Assess the situation. I’ve had the b – – ls to just sit up there until something comes to me and I switch it around. Bombing’s part of the work.”
Like I told Marlon, he’s just another boring interview.
AGENT Marianne Strong’s doing the new book “Ethel Merman, Mother Teresa and Me.” Meanwhile, filmmaker Ryan Kipp is shooting a doc on its author, the French liquor dynasty’s Tony Cointreau, whose palships ran from Merman to Mother. Whose own mom was a Boston Brahmin. Ignoring the vow of poverty, keeping the vow of luxury, Cointreau went from private schools and Ivy universities to bathing leper children. What he did with Merman, this I don’t know.
THAT earthquake in Washington, DC? The RNC is doing a bulletin saying it was the government’s fault.
‘REAL Housewives of New York City” is finished. However, two additional episodes exist. In other words, their final final last last this-is-it over over forever-and-done farewell stretches for three weeks. Having gutted the earlier pack of carrion, there’s still Heather Thomson, Aviva Drescher, Ramona Singer, LuAnn de Lesseps, Sonja Morgan, Carole Radziwill.
Stylist Heather Thomson, who’s designed for Diddy, J.Lo, Beyoncé and manufactures shapewear undergarment Yummie Tummies, explained: “For those real post-finale two-week enders, we’re sitting on the couch. Rehashing. Viewers know Ramona Singer and I were at odds and she slapped me. Then she begs for my forgiveness. Nobody knows what happens at the absolute final forever end.
“Who knows if her apology’s sincere or not? If she’s really genuine or not. I only know — and what nobody so far knows — is that on the last telecast I actually forgive her.”
Ohhhh, civilization is truly grateful.
NEXT week, New York Film Festival, Sony Pictures Classics screens “The Gatekeepers.” Six former heads of Shin Bet, Israel’s Secret Service, candid, on security success and failure during shifting politics and imperatives of the “peace process.” Preemptive strikes, confronting terrorists, Palestinians, five decades of Israeli history.
THOUGHTS. Heidi Klum: “I miss my homeland’s different varieties of licorice. Sugared types and strong ones. Here there are lots of red kinds. I mean, that’s just not licorice. I don’t call that licorice.”. . . Madonna on mortality: “I’m very frightened of death the more I think about it. I believe in reincarnation and what will happen next. I’m also intrigued by it.”
PRESIDENT Bill Clinton, Mayor Michael Bloomberg, Brooklyn Borough President Marty Markowitz are all in separate framed photographs overlooking the toilet in the men’s handicapped bathroom at Junior’s on West 45th.
Only in New York, kids, only in New York.