Future French governments will no longer say: “Let them eat cake.” Effective Jan. 1, they’ve ruled anyone earning 1 mil euros gets taxed 75 percent.
This from a wise populace that elected Sarkozy, whose wife previously diddled other VIPs, lauded DSK and remains ungrateful for us saving their WWII behinds.
Why’s this nation going bankrupt? They say: “Because we hate to owe money.”
So what do they call an intelligent politician in France? Answer: a tourist.
Second question: How does one define Monsieur le President de France? Answer: Like a sultan. He touches bottoms too often.
What this new ruling augurs is that its wealthy will hop their private planes and establish residence outside the country that brought us de Gaulle, Piaf, escargot, cute berets and Mme. Curie.
Paris was previously known for haute couture. Beaucoup luck. Those glorious crystal beads that decorated America’s bar mitzvah outfits? Soon to be handmade in the Gulag. Wedding gowns will come from the Congo. A future fashion center will be the Ukraine.
Chanel’s hierarchy already lives in Geneva, which is so boring that if someone yawns the locals applaud. LVMH’s big boss Bernard Arnault, so rich his bathtub leaves 18-karat rings and his windows are prescription glass, his new home is in Brussels. In fact his home is Brussels. The Hermes people bed down in Morocco. Dior’s execs are also out-of-towners.
The way everything’s changing there, the Champs-Élysées could become a dead end. Its famous landmark, shrinking in shame, may be renamed the Eiffel Midget. Even French poodles stopped getting fleas. Now they get moths.
Doing without their food might become a small problem. Creme Brulee? Substituting Jello won’t do it. Manischewitz can’t replace Château Rothschild. Cassoulet is duck with sausage. This we could replicate with Hebrew National, providing we lose the bun. Omelette? Who cares? Our luncheonettes omit the final “t” and “e” but they add a taste of the server’s thumb.
The country’s gone so cheap that the jail sign says: “Prisoners must pay their own board and lodging.” Doctors state: “If you suffer with indigestion, do as thousands do — belch.”
We’ll have croissants from Fiji. Brioche from Belize. French bakers will commandeer the defunct Wonder Bread recipe and who knows what’s with French fries? They’ll become Polish potatoes. Arpège they’ll cook up in the Alps and the hot fragrance will be Kerosene No. 5.
Starbucks? It’ll be renamed Starfrancs. In fact, as Greece slides into the toilet, that country might rechristen it to Stardrachmas.
Due to our brilliant economy, this shriveling may extend to the United States: Look for Bloomberg to soon ban cigarettes in Latvia. Trump plans to operate out of Lithuania. Henry Kravis’ head office is opening in downtown Rwanda. It’ll be tough getting limos, but at least they have gorillas.
Bloomingdale’s in downtown Slovenia will feature used overalls and plaid work shirts on the ground floor. Its accessories department will sell secondhand wheelbarrows and almost-as-good-as-new pitchforks. The gourmet department will do specials on mullet and maize. Instead of bagels and lox, the basement luncheonette will push day old haggis and yurt milk.
No credit cards. Shopping’s with green stamps. And the in-store muzak will be “How You Gonna Keep ’Em Down on the Farm After They’ve Seen Tanganyika.”
Jimmy Buffett is on track to relocate from Omaha (who would blame him?) to Irkutsk, and I’ll report his remarks in the Beijing Bugle.
NBC will give up Rock Center for Rangoon. Wall Street will open headquarters in Ulan Batuur. Alex Rodriguez, already hunting a new career, will set up in San Paolo. He’ll open the first Dairy Queen. (Note: Soft ice cream parallels those soft creamy types to which he’s become accustomed.)
Fie on Southampton. Think weekends on the Serbian coast. New York strip steak? How’s Czechoslovakian chuck? New York Knicks? No. The Rhodesian Runts. And super Jamie Dimon’s super-run Chase bank will move to downtown Dubrovnik. Hopefully without him.
Chauffeurs will find a fjord in their future.
Lord & Taylor? Soon to be Serf & Vassal. Obama? Countries are dickering over him with: “Make us an offer.” The “Batman 3” sequel will be “Tractor 3.” Judge Judy’s show will star Commandant Leader Sheindlin.
The good news? No matter what or where, Chinese food will always be Chinese food. And the really great news? American patriot Denise Rich is on to bunk with that ex husband she got the US to pardon and which she now kicked over to live permanently abroad.
France. A bureaucracy of Les Miz who, individually, can do nothing but, as a group, meet to argue unintelligible answers to insoluble problems, discuss how untold wealth means what little bit the income tax people never heard of and then decide that nothing can be done.
Vive le 75 percent tax.