Raspy voice comic Gilbert Gottfried we know. I now know what Gilbert Gottfried doesn’t know — mostly everything.
Me: What’s tonight’s Jim Gaffigan event about?
GG: (sounds of his two little kids shrieking) What event?
Me: Your celebrating Liam McEneaney’s album “Comedian.”
GG: I forgot. Isn’t that at some tiny Brooklyn club [in the] middle of nowhere?
Me: (more shrieking) You going?
GG: That’s Lily and Max, who don’t find me funny. No, I’m taking a nap.
Me: Why am I even talking to you?
GG: Everybody asks the same thing.
Me: They said you’re going.
GG: No. I’m off to California for some TV Guide shoot.
Me: Like what?
GG: I don’t know. My agent called while I was eating. Once, with Lady Gaga’s front bulging, they asked if I thought she had a penis. After I did a whole funny bit with them, they didn’t show me at all. So this one, I don’t know. We’ll figure it out somewhere. So I’m not doing tonight’s piece of drek.
Me: I don’t plan to ever call you again.
GG: I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t either.
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Smart stuff
ELIZABETH Smart. Abducted June 2002 from her Salt Lake home, kept chained, raped, alone, hungry during nine months captivity, she’s out with her St. Martin’s book. Scheduled is a Barnes & Noble appearance, Monday’s “Today” show, Anderson Cooper, Dr. Oz, New Yorker profile, Meredith Vieira sit-down and huge first printing.
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Not all are enemies: Tony Blair
A crowded noisy event. Britain’s former Prime Minister Tony Blair telling me about Muslim terrorism. Without taking notes, here’s my memory, give or take a phrase: “We always play up the evil ones, bad guys, martyrs, jihadists plotting the massacres. Constantly print the leaders’ photos, names, backgrounds. They become famous, emboldened. We believe there are no loyalists but that all who practice that way of life are our enemies.
“Nobody does stories about those who are loving and faithful to the west. I know many. I live among many. Why are they not publicized? Their thinking could be used in this holy war. They could be valuable tools.”
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Odds & ends
Michael Douglas visited Kirk in Montecito. Dad exercises daily, walking with wife Anne behind him lest he wobbles . . . After he’s settled claims for $11 billion, may Jamie Dimon then simonize Chase bank itself. Unsigned checks get cashed; private client info is sent to strangers . . . Foreign presidents in NYC? Chile’s and Paraguay’s noshed together at Sushi Samba . . . And Turkey security killed the Peninsula Hotel elevator 15 minutes.
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Cardinal plea
Bill O’Reilly: “Cardinal Dolan hasn’t read ‘Killing Jesus,’ but having invited me on his radio program, I’m hoping he reads my book on the flight from Rome.” . . . John Stamos did an NBC pilot about divorce lawyers: “Marry at 20, then today live to 100? Things change in 80 years” . . . Oct. 11, FIT, Manolo Blahnik talks about shoes and work.
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Good advice
From TV actor/Megan Mullally husband Nick Offerman’s book “Paddle Your Own Canoe”: “Allow your significant other to choose your shirt — but leave it there . . . cleaner we keep our children, weaker they become . . . alter your nose with surgery? Quit looking in the mirror so much . . . dig a deep hole in the forest, tundra or desolate desert area, then bury your cellphone, then find a hobby.”
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Touring Manhattan, Wisconsin lady’s in a rush. Where’s she going? “Have to get my hair done so I can go to the beauty shop.”
Only in New York, kids, only in New York.